His way...NOT mine

Please forgive my absence.....

2011-04-20T03:34:00.000-04:00

it happened unintentionally. There has been a lot of living happening since radiation ended back in February and somehow the calendar now displays April 20th. Not quite sure where all the time went, but here is a sampling of my last month.

Certain subjects are beginning to wind down. End of year projects underway.

A little over a month left in the school year. It truly has been by God's grace that we have made it through the year with success and progress!

Our Thursday Women in Christ Bible study has been going through the book of Daniel for the Spring semester.....We meet every Thursday morning at church for worship, teaching and small group discussion time. I share the teaching with one other woman as we trade off each week. Oh my, the study has been so rich with God's truth and application as we've looked at Daniel's life and Godly example, and also looked through the lens of Biblical prophecy.

I have had to study more than ever before in preparation to teach every other week. I've never taken Bible College classes, but this semester feels like I might have a glimpse as to what those classes entail. All good....but very time consuming! I teach on Daniel 10 next week. Our study concludes for the year on May 12th.

As the Women's Ministry Coordinator at our church, I have the privilege of planning and organizing our annual Women's Retreat each year, with the help of many hands along the way.

This year, we held our retreat at our church as a 1 and a half day Seminar. The theme was taken from Romans 6:22 "But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your FRUIT to HOLINESS, and the end, everlasting life." The seminar was held April 8 & 9th. It was glorious. God moved mightily and once again I am in awe of His faithfulness.

As "Fruit to Holiness" was the theme, we took the ladies through 5 sessions on living lives that bear fruit to Christ's holiness. We began Friday night with "Plowing and breaking up the fallow ground," and then Saturday took us through "Planting God's Word in our hearts," "Cultivating and weeding out sin," "Pruning," and then "The Harvest." I taught the session on Pruning, and shared with the ladies much of what God did in my heart this past year as He pruned me and walked me through breast cancer. It was very poignant & personal for me, as it was at our previous year's women's retreat that I found my lump. What a year of pruning, but what a year of growth! God is truly amazing. His ways so much higher than our own.

We had the privilege of having Debbi Bryson come and be our main speaker. She shared for three of the sessions. If you've never heard her teach, she is a gem and a treasure and shares powerfully from God's Word. She is from Calvary Chapel Vista in California and her husband is the director of Calvary Chapel Church Plant Missions in Russia. It was such a treat having her with us for the weekend. Her precious assistant, Barbara traveled with her, and they both stayed at my house.

Again, another treat for me to spend that time with them. They were here last year, as well. The work He began in our hearts last year, He added to it this year in powerful ways.

On Monday, April 11th, we all traveled to North East, MD, to attend the East Coast Pastor's Wives conference at the Sandy Cove Retreat Center. It was three days of sitting under wonderful Bible teachers and allowing God to wash over me and rejuvenate me. The theme was from Psalm 103, "Blessed," and blessed I was to be there. God had much He needed to tell me during those three days.

And then onto racing.....the boy's Harescramble racing season has begun! Their 2nd race was this past weekend. After days of rain, the weather cleared for raceday, but as you can see, the track was pretty muddy. At the end of their races, they were all covered in mud, a boy's dream, right!?!

And finally, the Betties, have been the topic of much discussion and doctor's appointments this past month. Following radiation, I had to start seeing my plastic surgeon again as preparation was needed for my breast revision/reconstruction surgery. Yesterday, I went in for one of my final surgeries of this breast cancer journey. I had the temporary tissue expanders removed and replaced with my permanent silicone implants. It was a 2 hour surgery done under general anesthesia, but I was able to come home afterwards without having to spend the night in the hospital.

I am bound tightly around my chest and will remain that way until Thursday, when my two drains are removed along with the dressings. The pain is significant, but manageable. Yesterday afternoon was pretty rough, as I had a lot of nausea from the anesthesia and my stomach didn't agree with all that went in. Praising God, though, that the surgery went well according to my plastic surgeon. I am anxious to see the final result! Please keep me in prayer the next few days as I move through this recovery phase.

So, there you have it. A little bit of what my last month has looked like. I had no intentions of being away from blogging for so long and apologize that I haven't kept you all updated as to how I have been doing. Thank you to those of you who have checked in on me. It really has meant a lot! I hope to get around in the next few days and say hi, now that I have some down time in bed as my body heals and God continues the restoration and rebuilding process within.

"I will do better for you than at your beginnings. Then you shall know that I am the LORD.....I, the Lord, have rebuilt the ruined places, and planted what was desolate. I, the Lord, have spoken it and I will do it." Ezekiel 36:11, 36

The rebuilding process is underway. As my friend, Elisa, said to me this weekend, "Stacy, you have moved from deconstruction to reconstruction!" God is good, always and the restorer of all things.

Much love,

Stacy

Exercised faith...Part 1

2011-03-10T22:38:00.000-05:00

Early into my cancer treatment, my sweet friend, Beth, gave me these workout clothes and this Nike hat for a gift. They were significant and meaningful for many reasons.

About a year and a half ago, we decided to meet early each Saturday morning at our church, the midway point for both of us, and walk together a course that her husband had mapped for us. We would do some walking, some jogging and a lot of heart to heart chatting, as we together felt the pain of getting back in physical shape. Each week, we could do a little more. Jog a little longer and faster. Recover a bit more quickly. Cover more ground both in conversation and miles.

Fall came and the morning temps started getting a little tough to bear. And our Saturday morning meetings were put on hold until Spring.

But when Spring came, so did cancer. Last year, the walking never resumed.

The steps we covered together weren't over pavement. They were in hospital waiting rooms, over phone lines, in the Chemo lounge and car rides going back and forth from radiation.

Important steps.

Steps that took on a whole new meaning and importance as we together uncovered deeper heart issues and encouraged each other in the Lord, each of us walking a journey of faith and trust in God the Almighty. Instead of just walking beside me, many days, she held my hand. Other days she helped me raise them to the Giver of all good things...Jesus Christ... when I really couldn't raise them myself.

She loved me through my treatment and journey in many ways. A debt I will never be able to repay.

So when I opened this package on chemo treatment number one....it signaled a looking forward to what laid beyond...living strong....walking strong......a getting on with life....more pavement to cover together once these cancer steps were complete....spring was coming, at that point it seemed a long way off, but spring never fails to show up and with spring.....more Saturday morning walks.

Last Saturday, our feet met the pavement together once again and our hearts rejoiced at the ground God brought me through the past 11 months.

We were living strong.....not in our strength....but the strength of the Lord. He was gracious and had brought me to the other side of treatment. Here we were once again. The same two people, but yet forever changed by the hand of God.

The air was brisk as the wind gently caressed our faces. Our legs felt the absence and reminded us of the months of neglect. Our hearts reminded us though, that the mileage we logged was more meaningful. As a faith journey had been trekked. Our hearts were strengthened and God carried our legs.

We finished that morning, tired, but invigorated.

Kind of the way I have felt these last couple of weeks since radiation ended.

My energy is returning bit by bit. My skin peeling and being restored. My hair.....growing so much so that I can actually gel the top trying to achieve some "style," and my spirit refreshed, restored and yes, invigorated.

God is truly good, always.

Sunday, I awoke feeling the after affects of my walking. My thighs burned. My calves ached. And yet, I rejoiced that my aches and pains weren't from cancer, but from the getting on with it from a place of healing. That the physical walking, the moving forward makes the body tired....but when my faith is being walked out just the opposite happens.....I am strengthened. I am renewed. I am invigorated.

An exercised body is physically hurt and tired. A good sore and a good tired. But sore and tired, nonetheless.

But an exercised faith strengthens and rejuvenates. And when faith is exercised, God gives you His strength. He produces steadfastness....we lack nothing. I am beginning to more fully understand what James said,

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

Faith must be exercised.

We must first learn faith. We must learn about God's character....."as faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God." You can have a head full of faith understanding.

But without walking out that faith.....that faith isn't tried and proven.

Truly the rubber must hit the road. God calls us to act out our faith. And trials and difficult circumstances will cause us to do just that....they are the testing ground for our faith.

Do you truly believe what you say you believe? Do you truly believe that God can handle your problem and bring about the solution? Do you believe that He can and will handle it better than you can with your own knowledge, and understanding? Do you believe He is able?

And that is how our trials become joy.

Because as our faith in God is stretched, challenged, shaken and stirred.....it becomes proven. It praises. It honors. It glories in the one and only God because He alone is faithful. He is sure and certain. And our faith grows deep roots in Him.

God had taken my feet and my faith to the mountaintop and the view is glorious!

Back to my story....

While at church Sunday morning, a lady came up to me to see how I was doing. We began talking and she asked me a pointed question. A question that was unexpected. A fully loaded question, at that. One that gave me a moments pause as a smile crept across my face.

"Stacy," she asked, "I am always intrigued when someone goes through a trial such as yours. Tell me, what did God teach you?"

I laughed inside thinking this lady probably didn't want to pull up a chair and hear the long version. So I thought for a moment on my big take home message of this faith journey. There was so much He taught me and continues to. What was God hammering into this vessel of His? How was I being shaped and transformed? What was being rooted out only to be replaced with more of Him? What beauty was He bringing from the pieces?

I gently responded from where my faith had been exercised....."Live in the today. Trust God today. Gaze into His eyes today. Respond to Him today. Worrying about tomorrow wastes what God has to offer us today. Savor today, as you savor Him. He will take care of each of your tomorrows. Believe Him today and walk from that believing."

A simple message. But a truth He needed to plant more deeply in the soil of my heart, thus this season of testing.....this breast cancer journey. It had purpose and continues to.

Again on Monday, He laid these same truths before me.....as my feet hit the pavement once again......this time, alone in my neighborhood.......just Him and me and a long, uphill, winding road......

.....and you'll see that the view from the hilltop was glorious....and still is... because He is glorious!

I'm sorry for my absence. There has been a lot of getting on with life....and a few doctor's appointments in between. All is well. I know I still haven't posted my pictures from my last radiation appointment. I will. Thanks for sticking around......I love you all so......and am glad that God has let me stick around, as well. We have much more ground to cover together...

....and Beth, you are a sweet token of God's grace and beauty. Thank you for being you and allowing God to use you. I love you and look forward to many more miles walked together.

Much love,

Stacy

Word of God Speak - Part 2

2011-02-21T10:42:00.000-05:00

(sorry this is a long one...so much to share on the morning of my last radiation treatment....)

Friday was ushered in with a quiet anticipation. It would be day 27 of my 28 days of treatment. But even more exciting....a close friend was having a c-section that morning welcoming their 10th child into this world. My heart awoke that morning with her before me, as throughout the morning, I brought her before God's throne. This was her first c-section. A lot of uncertainty for her. A new experience. But a solid faith and trust in God Almighty.

For me, a sign of new life from the hand of God. New breath. New joy. New sounds. A springing forth.

Child number 10 for them....month number 10 for me. The end and a beginning.

I waited anxiously by the phone to hear the news, checking my computer a few times to see if their children had emailed. By 10:30 I couldn't wait any longer and called to hear that a sweet, healthy baby boy was born. All were doing well.

Thank you, Lord for the life that you give us. The life in the physical....but even more, life eternal through your Son, Jesus Christ. A dying for the purpose of living. His life for ours. Bought at a price.

Worth the pain.

Worth the agony.

Worth the wait.

The day continued on, as each day does. Barclay had work commitments that prohibited him from coming to treatment that day. In the afternoon, off I went stopping along the way to drop Faith off at Preschool and then onto radiation.

And the pendulum continued swinging as my mind went to the getting on with life, while laying down the fears that the "getting on with" encompassed. Wanting in some strange way to just stay in this place a little longer because the "getting on with" it means waiting. The "getting on with it" means questions remain unanswered. "The getting on with it" means trusting God at the deepest level I have ever experienced. Will I live to see my children get older? Will I suffer at the hand of this disease? Will my husband grow old without me by his side?

Will I trust God with it all?

My head knows all the Bible verses. This isn't my first testing. It is one of many. And what I have found is that God uses each one to carve out fear deeper and deeper so that the word of God may be implanted in its place. A heart surgery of sorts....not laproscopy, not catheterization, but true open heart surgery.

But head knowledge isn't enough. Hence the surgery. Hence the walking it out. The testing.

You know faith isn't stagnant. You are either walking forward, standing still, or falling backward.

I want to move forward. And so my heart needs to align with my head. The Truths that I know, as I live them out.

There is a quote in the movie Shawshank Redemption that says, "You either get busy living, or you get busy dying."

I want to be busy living.

Later that afternoon, I called my friend to see if I could stop by for a visit. So desiring to see her. To encourage her in her recovery, after having 6 c-sections myself.

My husband took the kids off to their basketball practices, and I made my way up to the hospital, alone.

As I was driving, the Christian radio station I was listening to lost reception. As the garbled voices and music filtered through the speakers, I felt around for the stash of worship CD's that I knew my husband had somewhere in his car. One lone CD was felt behind the driver's seat, as I quickly grabbed for it, while trying to keep the car in the right lane.

I slipped it into the CD player. Praises poured through the speakers, clearly now. But my mind was in a different place. The words fell on closed ears as my mind bounced around with thoughts of the future.

I arrived at the hospital as darkness had descended. It was a hospital I hadn't frequented and the layout unknown. I eventually found the parking garage and then navigated through a myriad of walkways and doorways, more hallways until the elevator stood in front of me and I crossed into the maternity ward and then into her room.

We had a sweet time of fellowship. And her baby, simply divine. There was peace. The beauty of God's creation. All things made new.

As I left the hospital, reflecting on God's goodness. Once again on life. I made my way back through the maze of vacant hallways and doorways. The hospital closing down for the night, I turned into the parking garage foyer and there coming down a stairwell was my friend's oldest daughter. Distraught as she had just spent the last 30 minutes trying to find her way through the maze. Frustrated and tired after a long day.

Knowing the trouble I had finding the way, I asked her if I could lead her back to her mom. Together we quietly walked the steps leading to the elevator and up to the second floor. As we walked I pointed out the landmarks so that on her way back, she would know she was going in the right direction. The signs pointing the way were hard to notice. You really had to walk with your eyes open, looking for signs marking the way. But they were there.

We said good-bye and once again the steps retraced. Only this time, my mind went to the beautiful picture it was of our walk with God. Of trusting that He will lead us to the end location. His ending. He gives us the landmarks. He gives us His Word to direct us. He gives us access to the throne of God to talk to the Father. He sets up the signposts and is the lamp. If only we would walk with eyes open to Him. The road is often uncertain. The path winding. But He will lead, if we will follow.

I got in my car to travel home with a peace in my heart.

The air outside was still tinged with the warmth of the day. The thermometer had inched into the 70's, temperatures uncharacteristic for February in the northeast.

I glided the window down as I pulled out onto the road. I turned the volume dial on the radio and the CD from earlier flooded my ears, penetrating my heart.

I was ready to receive.

And this song came forth.....Mercy Me's "Word of God Speak"

Finding Myself
at a loss for words
and the funny thing is, it's ok

The last thing I need
is to be heard
but to hear
what YOU would say

Word of God speak
Would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see, your Majesty
to be still and KNOW
You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest in your Holiness
Word of God speak

Finding Myself
in the midst of YOU
beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need
is to be with YOU
and in the quiet
hear YOUR voice
Word of God Speak.....

Finding myself
at a loss for words
and the funny thing is, it's ok

I hit repeat and turned it up louder as I sang those words from the very core of my heart. Hearing this song long before. Knowing the words, well. But tonight a whole new meaning. They were words that I said in Truth. Not just lyrics. But my lyrics. The song of my heart sung to the heart of my God.

And the tears fell unabandoned, surrendered to Him alone.

Please, Lord, speak.

Give me a Word.

Show me You are in this place with me.

I have no words.

I am desperate to hear from you.

I am listening.

I got home and sat down at my computer, ready to write down all that God was speaking to me. I didn't want to lose this moment. Didn't want to forget for a minute.

But the kids walked through the door, moments later. A movie in hand asking me to join them for family movie night.

A tug of war....the kids wanted me....I shut the computer and snuggled next to them on the couch as God brought the day to a close.

Saturday morning, I awoke early and came down to the office to be with my Jesus and journal from the day before.

I opened my computer, as my email quickly filled my inbox. As I scanned the contents, there was an email from my sister in law. She had posted something on my FB wall.

She and I don't communicate often that way. I love her deeply, as I know she does me, but we don't talk very often. I was curious.

I opened the email. And here was the content:

Stephanie wrote:
"Hey Stacy, while I was praying on Thursday night with our praise team, I silently lifted your name up and God immediately instructed me to share a message with you.

As clear as day these words rang in my head: "tell her to continue to trust in me".

Sorry for the delay, I hope you are doing well and hanging in there. Know that we love you and are here if you need anything. Hope we can get the family together again soon-"

I started bawling.

I asked God for a Word. I asked God to show me He was in this place with me. And He did.

He knew the moment that I would need those words of encouragement. He knew the preparation that was needed that I would receive. My sister in law, the messenger with a message from God to Me.

God knows. He cares about the big picture, but He cares about the intimate details of our lives.

He is real. He is present. He is bigger than our little minds can comprehend.

"Tell her to continue to trust in Me."

Life giving words.

And today, as I walk through those radiation doors for the last time His Words will ring through my ears and into my heart as He blankets me with His love and Holy presence.

"Washing my eyes to see, your Majesty
to be still and know
You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest in your Holiness....."

Word of God Speak.

"I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill and to destroy.

I have come that you may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

I am the good shepherd.

The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep." John 10:9-11

Much love today,
Stacy

If you are interested in hearing the song, pause the player at the bottom of the page, and sink deeply into the our Father's love....

Word of God Speak - Part 1

2011-02-20T15:03:00.000-05:00

Tuesday came with much anticipation....and a bit (ok a lot) of house cleaning in preparation. About a month ago, my Aunt Kay called and asked if she could come and spend a few days with us, as my radiation was beginning. We looked at our calendars trying to work out the days and both of our schedules and a forecasted snow storm prohibited our time together. A later date was put on the calendar, one that worked for us all and one that would mark the final days of radiation. She would be able to be the hands and feet for my tired body, and she would be able to walk the steps with me that my feet have traveled daily for 20 some days. I was thrilled to be able to share this leg of the journey with her.

She walked through the door around lunchtime on Tuesday, cleaning cloth still in my hands and quickly jumped into our daily routine and life, making lunch for the kids as I hurried off to shower and get ready for that day's radiation treatment.

One day closer to the door closing, the chapter ending and cancer treatment being behind me. A door that I am having trouble closing. A threshold that you would think I would be running full steam across, but instead feel tethered to a harness, holding me back. Like I am swimming upstream, wanting to reach the end, but unable...tired, sore and restless....characterize my going forward, and yet somehow, I make few strides in that direction.

And it is there that I have been this last week somewhere in the midst of faith and fear. Kay has been a much needed distraction, a helping hand, a dose of laughter, a special gift.... offering words of encouragement, loving arms, an open heart and reminders to surrender: A favorite word for she and I. A word that God has been speaking to my heart for many, many years. A word that she christened me with almost 3 years ago, following our attendance at the Rochester Women of Faith. As we attended together with some other special women in my life, my sisters included. The platform for many deep conversations. Little did I know at the time, how God was using that time not only with her, but also my sisters and grandmother, to deepen relationships, chisel away things from the past and push forward in healing some deep hurts, while at the same time, preparing me for what 2010 would hold...breast cancer.

A few weeks after the conference ended, a special package arrived in the mail, its contents as meaningful as the one who gave it....my Aunt Kay. Nestled inside a creamy white ceramic pitcher were tokens of remembrance from our time together that weekend, and the deeper messages that God had for our lives and our hearts.

"It is with a full heart, filled with love, that I give you this pitcher, capturing the memory of our incredible experience we shared, offering tools to keep us all remembering what we need to do, to survive and blossom."

....a pair of glasses to keep a clear vision of what you need to do,

....lens cleaner for when they get foggy and need cleaning

...notepaper to write down those important ideas, fears, hopes, issues

....a mirror for you to see those traits, strengths and weaknesses

....Kleenex to dry the inevitable tears

....mints for when your breath needs calming

....The "church lady" with raised arms, to remind us to raise our arms to God in prayer and praise

...a telephone to call each other for support, to share, to listen, cry or celebrate

...a worded stone...

My word.....surrender.

Little did she know that it is a word that God had been speaking to my heart since I could remember. A word that held more significance than she knew. A word on a rock, a polished stone....that in Christ alone, I can surrender all. Outside of Him....nothing. And that as I surrender, He makes me that polished stone for Him. What was significant then, in the Spring of 2008, has become that much more significant today, 2011. And here I am once again, at those crossroads, will I walk over this next threshold with fear or will I walk in faith, surrendering my future days, my future breaths, all the uncertainty that lies within treatment ending and the waiting to see if cancer will return...the unknowns, the fear that can easily sweep into my mind holding me back from fully crossing the threshold....whole.

Today, will I surrender my fears, my future, my what ifs, my life to the God of the heavens? The sovereign one with whom there are no accidents. With whom truth gives way, shining its light on the very core of my fears. With whom His very Word, that which we can hold in our fingertips, and take into the inner places of our beings.....

brings hope, love, truth, comfort, encouragement, courage, forgiveness, healing, strength and endurance...and the ability to surrender to Him.

These precious reminders were all tucked neatly inside a hand chosen ceramic pitcher.

"Take these deeds, both this purchase deed which is sealed and this deed which is open, and put them in an earthen vessel, that they may last many days." Jeremiah 32:14

The reminder through Jeremiah that restoration of the land was certain. It would be possessed again by the Jews. They would return to their land.

Kay said...."And all is contained in the memory of the visual of the white pitcher....of our fractured, imperfect lives made whole and beautiful by God's love, blessing and forgiveness shining through."

As I pulled my pitcher out of the package, two pieces fell back into the box.

My pitcher had arrived broken. The handle cracked in two places. I smiled at the imagery. God wasn't finished with me. I didn't know then, what I know now....no one can but God.

Kay was beside herself, apologizing profusely.

I just smiled and reassured her, all was well....it would be a constant reminder of the unfinished work of God in my life.....I was still in His hands being made whole.

I placed the pitcher up on the shelf sitting over my desk in the office.

A constant reminder of the work of the cross. The work of master Potter....my life His masterpiece.

(Kay had asked Barclay on Thursday to glue the handle back on)

Kay joined me and Barclay on Wednesday, as I had my first follow up appointment with my Medical Oncologist. My "chemo" doc. It was the first time seeing her since chemo ended back in December. I wanted Kay there. She, too, having had breast cancer 16 years ago. She would think of questions we had missed, be another set of ears.

My oncologist greeted us with smiles and proceeded to get the results of my blood work. Within a few minutes, I learned that my white count is still low, under the normal range. Immediate fear swept over my body as the questions poured into my head. My oncologist seemed unconcerned and verbalized just that. Still, I couldn't move past the new information. The appointment continued as we discussed Tamoxifen...a pill that will be added to my daily intake beginning next week. A pill that will encapsulate my breast cells prohibiting estrogen to enter in. A pill that I will be on for 5 years that will catapult my body even further into menopause with all the lovely side effects.

And yet, my mind couldn't get off of the low white count.

Stacy....will you surrender to ME? Will you continue to trust ME? Will you?

Kay left on Thursday afternoon, after my radiation treatment. As we hugged and kissed farewell, she got in her car and said, "Remember your word.....SURRENDER"

I arrived home shortly thereafter. The house was quiet as the children were all at a friends. As I walked into the office, there on my desk sat a new, creamy white, unbroken....ceramic pitcher....with a note on top.

"I always felt bad that your vessel arrived broken ~ you deserve to have a perfect vessel to hold your tools."

And the tears welled up as they freely fell upon my cheeks. This side of heaven, I will never have a "perfect vessel." After cancer treatment comes to an end, there will be other tryings, other pressings, more refining, more lessons to learn, more brokenness. But the King of kings and the Lord of Lords will heal the brokenness. He will bring faith where there was fear. He will speak words of Truth, shining His magnificent light into all areas and then out through the cracks that He has mended, I pray He shines...if I would only surrender to His mighty Hand, trusting Him fully.

It is a choice. A daily choice. And the irony that that is right where God had me this past week...faith versus fear. Choosing Him and His Truth....or choosing me and my circumstances.

"Arise and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause you to hear My words." Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter, so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make." Jeremiah 18:2-4

"But now, O LORD, you are our Father; We are the clay, and You our potter; And all we are the work of Your hand." Isaiah 64:8

God gave me a glimpse of what He desires me to be.....a vessel for his honor. A vessel fit for the Master's use. A vessel marked by the healing brought only by my Father's hand.

The events of Tuesday through Thursday were divinely orchestrated. Each moment, as He knew. He knew what I would struggle with. He knew what I needed to be reminded. He knew.....as He knows the beginning from the end.

And as I taught on Thursday, at our ladies Bible Study.....that there are no accidents with God. There is no darkness in Him. In Him is light. He is the revealer of all things secret.....just as with Daniel and Nebuchadnezzar....God had an eternal kingdom to show Neb, Daniel, and all those in Babylon....and He had intimate truths to share at the same time to each one of them. The big picture and the little picture. He cares about it all, is over it all and through it all. And just as the Neb's dream and its interpretation were certain and sure (Daniel 2:45), so too is God....certain and sure.

And He kept asking....Stacy, will you just surrender.....as my faith and my fears kept colliding, as a pendulum swings back and forth. Monday marks the end of radiation and the crossing over into life after treatment. The treatment door swings closed. Two more reconstruction surgeries to go....but no more treatment. A waiting, as 5 years is the magic number for recurrences. A getting on with it, with life, with living and my emotions need to get in line with my faith. Where uncertainty in the physical needs to rest in the certainty in the Spiritual...in who God is. Not just a passing through, but a true resting. He is certain and sure. Nothing else is. But in Him is where I need to be planted, firmly and securely. In Him there is no fear.

He had more for me.....more that He unveiled on Friday....as my heart sought Him deeply.....

Aunt Kay and I at my Grandmother's 90th birthday celebration, June 2009.

Part 2 later....until then....

Much love,
Stacy

Faith or Fear Vlog

2011-02-13T00:01:00.000-05:00

So, I'm trying this thing again....this vlog thing. Bear with me as this is a bit outside my comfort zone and for some reason during the uploading process the voice doesn't match the words. Have I told you I am technically challenged! It might be that I am using my computer webcam to record instead of a video camera.

I can't believe it has been over a week since I have shared with you all. There is so much going on in my heart right now. I hope to share more in the days to come as I near the end of the radiation leg of this journey. Who hoo, this door is almost closed!

Thanks so much for stopping by! Praying God encourages your heart on the road that has been set before you. Please let me know how I can be praying for you.

Much love,
Stacy

Endurance - Half way through radiation

2011-02-01T22:49:00.000-05:00

We've hit the next milestone. Day 14 of 28 radiation treatments. Half way through this next phase of treatment and nearing the end of the medical fight against this beast. The arsenal of conventional medicine almost exhausted: surgery, chemo, radiation and then 2 final reconstruction surgeries waiting.

10 months in...... and the fatigue is taking its toll.

To say I am tired, would be inadequate.

Radiation has brought forth a fatigue that permeates my everyday. I wake with it. I walk around with it. I carry it to treatment and then it carries me home.

Within the last couple of days, the remaining energy seems to have evaporated leaving behind an overall loss of strength. It isn't a sleepy tired. It is a "just want to lay down and do nothing" kind of feeling.

And if you know me, that is so not me.

This past Sunday, while I was at church, a sweet friend came up to me to say hi and see how I was doing. She was quite intuitive, as she hugged me and saw something in me signaling my fragility. She grabbed my hand and asked if I was all right. In that moment, I wasn't. My body was worn. The free radicals from the radiation cursing through my body causing my body to wave the white flag of surrender. And the tears gently fell across my cheeks as she hugged me tighter whispering a prayer in my ear.

The strength from the hand of the Almighty ushered in through a faithful saint. Just when I needed it. He was there, and she became the vessel of His power.

Here I lay in bed tonight. After retreating here throughout the day. And I opened my Bible searching for His Words to comfort me and once again, today, give me the strength I need to press on in Him.

To endure. To withstand. To continue on.

Not just putting my head down and plowing through, but truly resting in Him.

I'm struggling with that right now, the resting solely in Him part. As I wake up late, my time spent with Him is shorter, not always first in the morning, as the children seem to quickly rise up with needs and questions. The daily duties and responsibilities pressing in, as I watch the clock knowing that I must leave the house within a few short hours to make the trek to my daily radiation treatments. A few hours gone from each day. Just the daily coming and going has become exhausting.

And then when I get home, my body cries out for rest. All I want to do is crawl into bed.

But the activity around me often calls louder than my body's cries for rest and so those are pushed down, as the needs around me are met.

14 more days to go. It seems like forever.

And so tonight, as I looked to His Word for nourishment and strength. He brought me to Hebrews 12.

There I read of running this race of faith with endurance. A race that has been "set before me," by Christ. Even that resonates within my soul. He has set this journey before me and He is there guiding me, sustaining me and strengthening me.

"....Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us,

and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us," Hebrews 12:1

Endurance:

- characteristic of a man who is not swerved from his deliberate purpose and his loyalty to faith

and piety by even the greatest trials and sufferings

-a patient, steadfast waiting for, enduring, perseverance

These aren't new words to me. My eyes have beheld them many times before.

And we see the key to endurance in verse 2:

"looking unto Jesus, the author and the finisher of our faith, who for the JOY set before Him endured the cross..."

What hit me in a new way tonight was the start of verse 3:

"For consider Him who endured...."

Herein lies the solution.

Considering Him, when often what I want to do is "consider ME."

But what I often fail to think, is that Christ did in fact consider Me and that is why He endured.

Christ endured.

He endured the cross knowing that there was purpose and there would be fruit. For without the cross there would be no salvation. Without the cross there would be no forgiveness. Without the cross there would be no eternal life.

Christ knew. And so with joy He endured the pain. The scourging. The shame. The torture. The physical exhaustion. He knew that journey from Bethlehem to Calvary had been set before Him by the loving hand of His Father. With purpose.

Our journeys are no different.

And so refreshed from the life giving words of Christ, I endure because in enduring there is purpose and there will be fruit.

My eyes will be directed to Him. Seeking daily His purpose. Seeking daily His strength. Seeking daily His peace. Seeking Him.

Knowing that this breast cancer journey has been set before me by His loving hand.

The physical fatigue is real. And God sees it and understands it. And by His grace He will bring me through it.

I celebrate today that another leg of the journey is almost complete. One step closer today....to the finish line.

Thanks again, for coming along with me on this journey.

Much love,
Stacy

The Small Things

2011-01-29T20:58:00.000-05:00

The season turns colds.

The harsh winter winds blow in slowly, yet steadily, calling for its companion.

Snow falls blanketing the hard, frozen ground underneath.

It lingers.

Covered.

Beautiful white, yet barren.

Pruned.

The life that existed before, is no longer.

The vibrant green, turned a rustic orange and red.

Fragile.

Then gone.

Leaving a stark piece of wood in its place.

The dead of winter. Literally and figuratively.

Resting. Waiting. Hopeful. Tired.

The hour unknown. But expectation looms.

And then, a teeny, tiny glimpse of what lies ahead.

Maybe only a glimpse. But it is there.

Newness.

Life.

Change.

Vibrant.

Beauty.

The work of the hand of the all mighty Creator.

Whispering.....

"Don't despair. I'm working behind the scenes."

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is NEW creation; old things have passed away, behold, ALL things have become NEW." 2 Corinthians 5:17

"And these wineskins which we filled were new, and see, they are torn; and these our garments and our sandals have become old because of the very long journey." Joshua 9:13

"For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, And do not return there, But water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, That if may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater." Isaiah 55:10

The snow lays even still.

But the bud, it is trying to peak forth.

Yeah, but the small things in which I will rejoice.

From two sparse lashes, to enough to curl. Yes, the small, but oh so significant.

You see on the outside the work being done on the inside.

Blessed be HIS name.

And thank you Aunt Kay, for the "Miracle Grow!" You are a gift.

Much love,

Stacy

A different point of view

2011-01-27T00:22:00.000-05:00

"But from God's point of view....." Romans 4:2 (NLT)

A few weekends ago, I asked my husband if he would kindly use his mighty strong arms and help me change the master bedroom around. This was not an unusual request, as moving furniture around is a commonplace at our home. It began in my childhood, as my mother would come into my "shared" bedroom and just sigh as the bed moved from location to location. It didn't go over well, when I made a line of demarcation down the center of my bedroom, separating my side from my little sister's. The furniture line that yelled, "Do not cross." Not a highlight of my furniture moving days, but one that is laughed about now.

But you see the point. I like change and sometimes that change comes in just moving around the furniture. My husband has grown to appreciate this love of mine, as it saves us lots of money. A piece of furniture becomes completely new when it is moved from one corner to the next or from room to room. No new furniture is needed, just a repositioning of the old. A new vantage point to take in the surroundings.

And new vantage points are good, for they give us a different point of view. A new perspective. New appreciation.

As I was vacuuming our bedroom earlier this week, I looked around the room, taking in the new bed placement. Scanning the long wall that once held our bed and now stands tall behind the dresser. The pictures were repositioned and the room seems so much larger. I smiled to myself, pleased with the new arrangement. The old became new once more. My eyes took in a whole new surrounding. New possibilities were opened up.

And it got me thinking about God, as much of life does. That often in our walk with Him, we can have a one track, never tested, never tried point of view. A selfish, "Me" point of view. Saying this is just how I was raised. I believe this or that about God because that is what I've been told. But we don't go to His Word, open it and dig into Him ourselves allowing Him to change our thinking with His Truths. We settle for the arrangement of the furniture and constantly buy new things to fill the open spaces of our hearts. We put Him in a box and put our lives in the box with Him, saying this is as good as it is going to get. This is all He has for me. There is no hope. And sometimes, through a particular "arrangement", all we see is fog. We settle, looking inward, instead of outward and upward, instead of living fully the life God has planned for us.

Often our point of view is what needs to be changed. God doesn't change. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. We need to change and sometimes, the surroundings need to change for the heart to be opened and able to receive. For the eyes to be focused on something different. Ultimately on Him and not ourselves.

Moses needed this. Born in Egypt and raised as an Egyptian Prince, he fled to Midian where he spent 40 years as a shepherd in the desert. Yes, the Arabian desert was where God needed him so He could do some major heart surgery. Where Moses' grand vision of helping his people faded into a distant memory as he grows more humbled by the passage of time and the harshness of the desert. It is where God spoke to Moses in the burning bush. Where God called Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. Where Moses accepted God's call. God was there. And from here, Moses went back to Egypt, seeing a scene completely different after his encounter with God. Moses becomes a deliverer.

God did the same with Paul. As Paul traveled to Damascus, there he was met on that road, by God. His scene was greatly interrupted. Paul planned on going to Damascus and dragging the believing Jews back to Jerusalem and persecuting them for their faith in Christ. God had different plans. Instead, God was going to move around some furniture and change perspective. Do some major heart work. Blinded by God, Paul was taken to Damascus, and as the veil of lies fell off his eyes and heart by the hand of God, he would go on and preach Jesus Christ to the Gentiles, but first he, too, spent a few years in the Arabian Desert. (Gal. 1:17,18). A new point of view. Paul became a writer and missionary sold out for Christ.

We all need our vantage points changed from time to time. A new point from which we take in the view. And from that new point, often comes a new, deeper perspective. Clarity. Focus. Movement. Direction.

And it is that point that we view from that often needs rearranging. The interior furniture. From an "it's all about me point of view" to "it's all about Him and for Him point of view."

Sometimes that change has to come about in the desert. Sometimes along the road. Sometimes in suffering. If we are lucky, it happens on the mountain....or maybe a combination of them all. Right now, for me, it has been through cancer where God is doing some rearranging.

Either way, the point of view affects all tentacles of life. It makes us useful, or useless. It impacts relationships. It impacts our faith. It impacts marriage. It impacts parenthood. It impacts life. But most importantly, it impacts our relationship with Jesus Christ.

And it opens up new possibilities. Moses lead the Israelites to freedom. Paul saw thousands of lives changed by the power of the Holy Spirit. Suffering becomes joy. Ashes become beauty. Bondage becomes freedom.

And in my little corner of my bedroom.....a little nook was found that always was there, yet undiscovered. That nook now holds a chair (from the family room) and a small side table (again, from the family room), and has become my spot to curl up and be quiet before the Lord. And the room has taken on a whole new appearance with new uses. A whole new point of view.

May we all yield to God's rearranging. Knowing that with the rearranging comes whole new possibilities!

Much love,
Stacy

We played hooky....

2011-01-22T11:30:00.000-05:00

....one of the beauties that blanket homeschooling. I love the flexibility it affords. And some much needed family time.

Early in the week, the weatherman was forecasting some snow for our area. Not a lot, but enough to get us excited about hitting the slopes, once again. To add to that beauty, a good friend blessed us with a handful of free lift tickets to a new favorite ski spot close by. We played the wait and see game, waiting to see it the snow would actually come (you know those weatherman have been known to be wrong), and to see if my husband's calendar stayed open for that day. It did.

The only hiccup was my scheduled radiation. You can't easily play hooky from cancer. It has a way of showing up and staying around, and permeating every aspect of life. As the week wore on, I discussed this with my radiation nurses, whom I might add, I have grown to love. We joke. We laugh together each day. Our lives are becoming connected. Cancer does that. A beauty of the disease. A beauty that I love, as I am a connected person. I actually look forward to seeing them everyday. Crazy, I know.

Ok, I digress. Too many thoughts stirred up in my head.

I asked the nurses if I could change my time on Friday from 1:45 to early morning, telling them that we were going to try to take the kids skiing. They willingly obliged. On Thursday, as the snow seemed imminent, we discussed through Friday morning's treatment, as the snow was due to arrive overnight. It would make for a slippery ride to the Radiation Oncology Dept. in the early morning hours. Testing the waters, I asked what would happen if I missed a day? Would that be ok? And they said the day would just get added on to the end. With that information, and the above pieces creating a beautiful picture..... I did in fact play hooky and off to the slopes we went.

I have a lot of momma guilt that I have been dealing with lately. That I should be doing more. Being more present when I can. More engaged. And the daily stress of leaving each day for treatment, begins to wear on us all. It is hard. This round of treatment presses in on all fronts of daily home life, unlike chemo, where you got a "normal week" between bi-weekly treatments. Both sides are beasts with different names. And then I come home from treatment and just feel tired. And the selfish me rears its ugly head, as all I want to do is crawl into bed and shut everything out for just a little while and rest, decompress, close my eyes.

I haven't found the balance just yet.

And so, Friday, I put it all aside, and off to the slopes we went. Not that I'll make a habit of doing this, but yesterday, it felt good and the kids thanked us as we drove home at the end of the day.

On a side note, midway into the day, Seth came back to the ski lodge saying his head hurt, his body ached and his belly wasn't quite right. He put two chairs together and laid in the lodge for the afternoon. We left early in the evening because he just wasn't feeling well. He awoke in the night and thankfully made it to the bathroom just in time. The stomach bug has officially invited itself into our home. I pray no one else gets hit with it.

Our little snow bunny. She has finally mastered skiing independently after hours of snowplowing alongside daddy.

Jed and I spent most of the morning skiing together. Well he snowboards. I ski. He is quite good I might add and many an adult snowboarder stopped us yesterday asking how old he was.
And one even said, "Wow, he boards better than I do!"

Me and my little boy riding to the top.

Getting in line to do it all again.

Ben, Luke and daddy riding up the lift. So much fun!!

Much love,
Stacy

In an Instant....

2011-01-19T20:39:00.000-05:00

Last night, I was reading the updates on a mother, wife and sister in Christ, Joanne. Somehow, I ended up on her blog, having never been introduced to her before, I lingered for awhile reading of all that she has endured these last 8 days. She needs our prayers. On Jan. 12th, this 38 year old woman, suffered a massive stroke. She is in the ICU in a medicated-induced coma, following brain surgery to release the pressure that built up in her brain. Her future uncertain.

And it all happened in an instant.....

One minute she was fine and the next...found by her daughter on the floor shaking violently. 911 called and life forever changed.

In an instant.

Her story runs deep to my core for many reasons. You see, that was my mother, 36 years ago and the girls who were with her when her stroke occurred: Me, age 3 and my older sister, age 6 1/2. My memory is fuzzy because I was a wee little one. But I remember spilling the milk. I remember my mom was waiting for my dad to come home from work. I remember the room. I remember mom on the couch, I remember my dad walking in the door.....and then from there......nothing. A blank screen.

My mother was pregnant with my little sister, at the time of her stroke. My mom was taken to the hospital suffering a massive brain aneurysm. My sister, Tasha, delivered by c-section, a healthy woman today. I was sent to live with my Aunt Kay who became my mother for that year, and in many ways has filled that role in the years since.

Life as we knew it changed forever.......in an instant.

A family of 4 changed to a family of 5....geographically split for the 6+ months that my mother was in the hospital. When she came home, nurses frequented the house, an aunt lived with us and then a nanny took over many of the mothering duties. Mom was in a wheelchair for a long time having been left with left side paralysis and diminished brain function. Those memories of my childhood are framed by pictures and photographs, stories told and retold. They aren't my own.

Those days gone from my memorybank.

And then our family of 5 went back to a family of 4, as my parents divorced and my mother went on to raise us girls by herself. She fought the uphill battle, beating the odds. She walked, when doctors said she wouldn't. Many years later, she drove, when again, doctor's said it wouldn't happen. And she sacrificed everything for us girls, doing the best that she knew how.

I don't know what Joanne's story will be. Only God does. I pray her recovery defies the odds and she is healed and restored. God can do that, and more.

But what I know is that we are not promised tomorrow.

"All flesh is as grass, And all the glory of man as a the flower of the grass.
The grass withers,
And its flower falls away,
But the Word of the LORD endures forever." 1 Peter 1:24-25

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that." James 4:13-15

In an instant.....
life can be changed......

....a son is born prematurely as his mother's life hangs in the balance.

....the doctor tells you your son has a random, fatal genetic condition and he will either die while still growing within or may live for hours following his birth, at most.

....my sister's husband of 20 years, shares that his interests lie in others areas....areas that don't include her.

.....my mother goes for a walk and gets hit by a car from behind, suffering another brain injury.

.....the doctor calls and says, "the pathology came back showing cancer."

And the lens is polished and shined as you come to look at the future differently, and look at each moment as a gift because life as you know it, can change in an instant.

We all have our "instants."

So, how are you living your todays?

Are you loving deeply..... telling those around you that they matter?

Are you investing in people or in things?

Are you harboring unforgiveness and bitterness or are you pursuing peace and reconciliation?

Are you saying you'll do it tomorrow......or embracing your today?

Are you living for your self, or living for God, the very one who put that breath in your lungs?

And if that instant of change comes along your path.....do you have a hope outside of this life? A faith in He who endures forever?

Do you know that Christ came to give you life.....eternal life....an inheritance that is incorruptible?

An inheritance that waits for you, as does He. He won't push Himself on you. He isn't that way.

But He waits. As a patient Father. As a loving Father. As your Redeemer.....for you.....

"Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved..." Acts 16:31

May we all live as if today is our last day. No regrets. Secure in the arms of our Lord and Savior.

Please pray for Joanne and her family, that God would give them many, many tomorrows.

Much love,

Stacy

Radiation Update - 1st Vlog - 2 Timothy 4:17

2011-01-17T17:38:00.000-05:00

Last week proved to be a busy week as I adjusted to adding radiation treatments to my daily schedule. So, sorry for the silence this last week. A lot of newness and change was added, not just for me, but my husband and children. This is my first attempt at posting a vlog, and that too, proved to be a learning curve and a test of my patience as I learned how to upload it!! I am not a technical person, and we don't have a video camera, so I attempted using my laptop's webcam....I don't think I'll do this very often, but thought it would be a quick and more personal way to let you all know how my new treatment was going....and you get to see my new hair....probably more exciting for me than you...but thought I'd share!

Thanks so much for your ongoing prayers! God is faithful and continues to carry us each step of the way. Much love to you all!

Here we go.....:)

Battle Cry

2011-01-10T22:45:00.000-05:00

8 months into the battle and herein lies my cry.

When the battle had just begun I remember sitting in worship one Sunday morning as this song rang through the sanctuary. Voices and hands raised, together.

It was new to me that day. A worship song I had never heard before but the words so alive and real. I've been on the battleground before. The words flooded through my mind and ran to the deepest parts of my heart. My voice lifted with the rest.

The battle field laid before me and the opposing army was coming....the diagnosis still fresh, as a wound that has just been afflicted dripping drops of bright red blood. Breast cancer thronged in my ears. My surgery on the horizon and over that hill the landscape was unknown, but there was the enemy charging forth.

I stood. Armed in the power of His might ready to declare His name.

I remember many a Sunday the pull in my heart to be among God's people, worshipping together. Maybe, you too, can relate to this draw. As an army stands against the enemy collectively and yet, you too, stand individually. And together the power of God blankets His people and possess you.

The power is so strong. You can't deny it and are brought to your knees in a posture of praise and worship.

He alone is worthy. He alone is God. And because of Him, no weapon on this earth or in the hands of the enemy can be used to defeat the power that God possess.

Oh, the battle ensues and Satan tries to take us down bringing defeat to our minds. But in Him, there is no defeat. We are conquerors and co-heirs with Christ.

So we stand. We worship. And we fight in the power of His Truth. For Truth always defeats the lie.

This cancer will not have me because God does. That is the truth. May this cancer be used to refine me that more of His Truth may be seen through me.

That is my battle cry.

And on this battlefield, when the landscape is uncertain and the terrain unknown. I stand strong in my God who knows the hills and the valleys. Trusting that He will guide me through.

He has done that and more.

And this Sunday, as I sat surrounded by God's people, this battle cry rang out once again. The next phase of the battle dawning. Radiation begins tomorrow. My emotions laid just under the surface, ready to spring forth. They were hidden even from me. As the words spilled forth from my heart to my lips to the throne of God, so too, the tears came. Not tears of pain. Not tears of sorrow. Tears of triumph. Triumph for what He has already overcome and triumph for what is to come.

And I will bring praise. For no weapon formed against will prevail.

I will rejoice. I will declare.

God is my victory and He is here.

"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and the power of His might." Eph. 6:10

(pause the songs at the bottom of the blog so that you can listen to this song.

There are a couple seconds of silence in the beginning.)

This is my prayer in the desert

when all that’s within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord, through the flame.

And I will bring praise. I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice. I will declare.

God is my victory and He is here.

This is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on its way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I’ll stand

I will bring praise. I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice. I will declare.

God is my victory and He is here.

All of my life in every season you are still God

I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.

I will bring praise. I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice. I will declare.

God is my victory and He is here.

This is my prayer in the harvest

when favor and providence flow

I know I’m filled to be emptied again

the seed I’ve received I will sow.

Much love,

Stacy

Stillness - Appointment #2 - Beauty

2011-01-07T11:50:00.002-05:00

My final pre-radiation appointment went so well yesterday....I'll get to that in a minute....

Last night a couple of inches blanketed our area. There is something so beautiful and peaceful about waking up to snow covered surroundings. Surroundings yet untouched by the hand of man.

White, clean, pure, graceful, intricate beauty.

The hand of God. His beauty. His perfection laid out before us for our eyes and hands to behold.

The children quickly took to the hands part.

Not really enough snow to snow blow....so to the shovels they went....

shoveling the driveway....

stopping for a rest....

and a photo opp........

a little bit of fun.....

some breakfast....(just kidding, we had pancakes just before)...

and one last line-up of smiles.....have I told you I love being a mother!

The kids are back in now. School underway. A quiet day lays before us....

I'm thankful for the quiet, even if but for a day.

Yesterday, God was indeed gracious and compassionate.

My same nurse greeted me in the radiation oncology waiting room with smiles, joking with me as she saw me in my wig (previously I've been in my winter hat - no wig), saying that I was trying to really confuse her this time.

We were off to a good start. A light hearted mood took over the somewhat restlessness going on within.

The now familiar path from the lockers to the cabinet holding the gowns, to the dressing room and then waiting room quickly fell into my steps. No sooner had I turned the corner to the waiting room, and she was there bringing me back to the treatment room.

Monica met me upon entrance. She too, was joking with me about the long blond hair that had adorned my head just moments earlier and how it had changed my looks.....now removed, the quickly growing peach fuzz told a different story. The story that I am living. I told her it was my "I really don't have cancer" wig with a smile.

A hat and a wig tell a much different story. Some days, I just don't want to be the "cancer patient" to the world and the wig gives me that option. There is much more behind that statement, as you can imagine.

The room was warm today. The chill that had occupied the room, now gone. Their touch was gentle, as both ladies helped me up to the treatment table, assisting me as my body was positioned just right. One on either side of me. As my head laid back into the body mold, they were attentive to my comfort, asking me if I was comfortable and how they could help. They grabbed for a folded sheet that they rested my head against, in the hopes that today, there would be no pain for the duration.

I felt like a person, not just a patient. Their words were kind. Their movements more relaxed.

My arms went overhead, my body grew still and once again, the headphones filtered praise music into my soul. My eyelids fell closed and peace washed over my body.

Ever so quietly, the nurse laid some towels over my arms, as previously, I had told them how cold I had become. Again, so attentive this time to my needs.

And as their job began, the filming, and imaging, as the lights went on and off and footsteps came and went....they did their best to keep me covered, under a thin sheet bringing warmth and shelter from the eyes that peered down.

I didn't feel exposed this time, I felt covered. Covered in God's love and grace. A blanket like no other.

The time passed more quickly. Pain, once again, began to permeate my arms, and this time my neck, as my head was held to the side. Tension would creep up through my body and at once I recognized it, I released it, allowing my body to relax in spite of the discomfort.

And I prayed. Asking God to bring me through. Thanking Him. Just sitting in His presence. Praying for a few sisters and friends that were that day in the midst of their own trials.

And it was at the foot of the cross that my current situation became insignificant and all that mattered was Him.

Worship and prayer have a way of doing just that. Putting our eyes and our hearts on what really matters most, Jesus Christ.

"You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever for in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength." Isaiah 26:3,4

It is a favorite of mine. But in those words are strength, peace and power because in those words rests my Father. His heart and the very essence of who He is. Perfect peace and power.

The imaging session came to a close. The right side of my chest had been marked and marked some more during those two sessions. Black sharpie marks mapped my body.

The nurses came back in and once again, their words were coated with compassion. A few quick digital pictures had to be taken of the map they had drawn on me and then a few of those marks needed to become permanent....more tattoos....I think 5 or 6 of them this time. They wanted to put one up close to my neck, but I asked it there was an alternative....as that would forever be seen in the future for eyes other than my own. They agreed. For now, I get to wear this for the next 4 weeks. The dot is a painted on mark covered by a circular clear adhesive. We'll see how my skin does through treatment. If it gets irritated, a tattoo will be needed.

Tuesday will begin the next leg of my breast cancer journey, the next door's threshold ready to be crossed. 28 days will mark this part of the journey. Monday through Friday treatments ending February 17th, if all goes well. Please pray as God brings me to mind, that my skin will be able to withstand the daily radiation dose with minimal side effects. That my body will remain strong and that God would use the radiation to accomplish His purposes in me. Thank you. I am more grateful than words can express.

Just as the snow this morning blanketed God's creation, so too, He blanketed me yesterday. I am rejoicing in His goodness today and the beauty that surrounds me.....by His hand.

Much love,
Stacy

Still

2011-01-04T20:33:00.000-05:00

The appointments begin again.

Just as the calendar flips over to January and routine begins again....school, work, piano lessons, basketball practice....so too, do my cancer appointments creep back into my daily calendar activities.

Today, I was off to the 2nd radiation imaging appointment. The second appointment that maps out my body so to pinpoint the radiation to the exact spots.

The day didn't get off to a great start. I thought the appointment was at 10:30. Off I went traveling the 30 minutes to the hospital radiation oncology department. The appointment time had been changed in December, after there was a hiccup in my first appointment. As I waited in the waiting room for my name to be called, my nurse emerged questioning why I was there......her book said I was suppose to be there at 2:00.

Oops. Not sure what happened. But back I went retracing the steps that lead me there only minutes before, only to retrace them once again in the afternoon.

Back home to teach Jed math and reading. Answer Science questions and photocopy Latin grammar forms so drill work could be completed. Worked through questions on couplet poetry with Luke. Corrected a writing paper. Made some lunch. Answered some emails. Talked with my oncologist's billing department to work through some bookkeeping errors....which worked in our favor...thank you Lord!

A day in the life of me.

1:30 and off I went again to the radiation office.

How quickly the patient hat comes back on and there I was laying yet again on the imaging table. This time in the treatment room. A room much colder than the cat scan room. My body lay upon the mold, holding my head to the side and my arms crossed and laid overhead, headphones nestled in my ears ready to whisk me to the throne of my Jesus, as the nurses and technicians milled around, adjusting the equipment, positioning and marking my body, instructing me not to move.

And in the stillness, eyes closed, they worked and I worshipped Jesus as the lyrics permeated my heart, bringing peace to my Spirit and a posture of praise and thanksgiving within....reminding me once again of God's sovereignty and love.

The lights went on and off as they worked, coming and going from the treatment room, behind closed doors, only to quickly sweep back in making adjustments to the machine that hung staring at me from the side. More positioning, more pointing, more whispers about what needed to be done.

My eyes would open to take in what was happening, only to quickly close and be transported back to the feet of Jesus. The surrounding were too much for me. I felt like an experiment that laid upon a table as 8 eyes peered over me, exposed once again. Nothing sacred or off limits.

It was cold and sterile, while the music filtering my years brought warmth and comfort. I needed to stay in that place.

My head began hurting as the mold wasn't holding me quite right. The hard cast was hitting the back of my skull. An ache set in. My arms had gone from tingling numbness to pain as they stayed clasp overhead.

I laid stationary knowing that movement would only hinder the progress.

Many songs into the imaging and I couldn't take it anymore. I quietly asked if I could just lift my head for a minute to alleviate the pressure.

They agreed, but said we would have to start over, from the beginning.

Relief, but for a few moments. Songs continued counting the minutes that ticked by.

And then she came back in, standing alongside the treatment table, next to the machine hanging from the ceiling. I asked if she would take the headphone out of my ear for a minute.....and then asked if we were almost done.

She began talking, then stopped to introduce herself, realizing that all along she had been working without even an introduction. I was just another patient in a time slot whose body came upon her screen. She said that we had some technical issues and for today, the process was complete, but I would need to return later in the week and redo all that had been done today.

Disbelief? Really.....we have to do it again? Today was for nothing. All the back and forth, an hour and a half on the treatment table and on Thursday afternoon I have to come back to lay through it once again?

I saw compassion fill her eyes as her demeanor softened and she helped me down from the table. She assisted me as I dressed and walked me out of the room.

We'll meet again in two days. I'm not looking forward to it.

It isn't a place I enjoy being. So much different than the chemo lounge. A more isolated atmosphere. A more lonely leg of the journey.

And maybe that is where God needs me right now. Alone. Hearing from Him in the stillness. Being quiet, so as to hear His whispers gently bring me along. Teaching this restless heart.

Going deeper, still. Building upon the foundation. The seed of His Word being richly and deeply planted within.....may the soil of my heart receive what he has for me in this season of tilling and sowing.

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10

"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the work of Your hands." Psalm 138:8

"....and in the wilderness where you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son in all the way that you went until you came to this place." Deuteronomy 1:31

I will not grow weary or despair.....I will press on, I will press in, I will look up. I will let Him carry me to the place I need to be....trusting Him along the way, knowing He is always with me. I will be still.

Much love,
Stacy

Power Displayed

2011-01-01T15:25:00.001-05:00

The roads and countryside of Galilee were marked heavily by the footsteps of Jesus. He walked. He taught. He healed. He prayed. He slept only to awake and do it all again.

He travelled extensively. With one purpose....to draw us....to glorify His Father, and display God's power.

The power that rested upon Him.

A display more brilliant than the most beautiful sunset. More magical than the most spectacular fireworks.

No where to lay His head....from His lowly entrance into this world, in a manager, to His earthly ministry...no earthly home to call His own.

His home was found as He rested in the love of His Father.

The love that would proclaim a kingdom yet to come. A life lived with hope, with healing, showered in grace and abundant in mercy. A looking forward, not looking behind.

With expectancy. With urgency. With purpose.

And as He travelled He demonstrated this power for all to see. Often in healing the sick and making them well. The blind. The lame. The dead. The demon-possessed. The mute. The deaf. The sick.

A display.

The multitudes traveled with Him. Watching. Waiting. Leaning in to learn more. Seeing a glimpse of the power beholden to this man Jesus...the Son of God.

They were challenged. They were encouraged. They were convicted. Their hearts softened. And for some, their faith grew.

There was something different about this man. Something their minds could not grasp hold of.

And the sick knew that if only they could come close to Him, if only He would touch them, they would be made well.

Healed.

Two blind men followed Jesus.

Without physical eyesight, but knowing the voice of Jesus.

Following as He performed miracle after miracle.

Finally, calling out to Him, "Son of David, have mercy on us!" (Matt. 9:27)

And Jesus, knowing the secrets of their hearts. Knowing the healing that they desired. That they needed, asked them a poignant question....

"Do you believe that I am able to do this?" (Matt. 9:28)

It is a question that God has been asking of me from the moment I read these few short verses this summer.

In this journey through breast cancer, along the road, in my moments of weakness and frailty, in uncertainty, in weariness.......as my heart has cried out to Him as these blind men did....God has been answering me...and growing my faith with this same question.

"Do you believe, Stacy, in who I am? That I am able to heal you? That I, ALONE, can do that which no one else can?"

It is a two part question.

Do you believe?

Is your faith so grounded in Me, Jesus, that you know with absolute confidence of my love for you. Of my grace. Of my forgiveness. Of my power.

Will you waiver in your faith based on your circumstances or will you trust Me and the power that I possess, that I desire to display in and through you as you journey?

And two......."Do you believe that I am able?"

Do you know that I can move the mountains and calm the sea? That I can make the lame walk and the blind see? That I can heal the diseased marriage and make well the diseased body? That I can put food in your pantry and bring forth money to pay the bills?

Do you believe that I am able to do all this and more? Is your faith in me that strong?

He desires our response to be, as it was with these two blind men...."Yes, Lord." (Matt. 9:28)

No hesitation. A posture of trust in the almighty God, above all else.

Is that my posture today?

This last week was one marked again with uncertainty for us.

The plan played out in the physical was not the plan that was formulated in my mind.

We were able to get away for a couple of days to the Pocono Mts. here in Pennsylvania. My husband's brother and his wife had a timeshare they had reserved for the week. They invited us all to join them at the beginning of the week, with plans to ski on Tuesday.

For Christmas, my in-laws so generously and graciously helped lease all of our children's ski equipment for the season. A sport that we have just recently ventured back into as a family, was going to be a reality for us again this year.

On Tuesday, we spent the day at a local ski resort. Strength has been returning to my body and I was able to enjoy the day with the family. It was glorious, until around 4:30.

My oldest two sons, Ben and Seth, were snowboarding at the terrain park on the mountain. We received a call around 4:30, that Ben had fallen while on a snowboarding rail. He was loaded in an ambulance and needed to be taken to the local hospital.

What was certain, became uncertain.

Snowmobile came and brought me to the ambulance. Seth was there, having witnessed the whole event. Barclay had to stay back with the smaller children, load them all up and hand them off to my brother in law, then making his way to the hospital.

The ambulance pulled away and I became numb. Ben wasn't himself. He was strapped to a board, laying in the back of the ambulance. Oxygen to his nose. Unable to remember what happened or any details from the last 30 days. The extent of the brain injury unknown in those moments.

We spent the next 5 hours in the ER with Ben asking questions, answers given, and then 30 seconds later, the question asked again as the answers weren't remembered. Ben scared, not remembering facts that he should have know. Not knowing his age. Not knowing we just celebrated Christmas. Not knowing what he received.

The shock from the last 5 hours settled in. And around 10:30PM, after Ben was transferred to Pediatrics, my husband staying behind to stay with Ben, I got in the car alone, traveling back to the house where we were staying.

And I cried out to the Lord on behalf of my son. I cried out for physical healing. For his memory to be restored. I cried out in fear, not knowing what laid ahead. I asked for His power to be made known.

And God whispered to me the same question he has for months, "Stacy, do you believe I am able to do this? Do you trust Me? Do you believe that I am able to heal your son?" Do you trust me and the plans that I have for you and your family?"

And I responded, "Yes, Lord." No matter what you have, I trust you and know that you will walk us through. Please be gracious and merciful."

I slept fitfully Tuesday night, waking up continually. Praying. Falling back to sleep. Waiting for answers to come. My faith on the edge of belief and unbelief.

Ending 2010 with yet another hospital, another unknown. Another test of my faith. A strengthening. I was tired and weary and God knew, but still took me deeper.

Wednesday, Ben awoke, restored. He still doesn't remember the accident, but the rest of His memory
has returned.

As I continue to meditate on those few verses in Matthew and the question that Jesus asked of those blind men, and has been asking of me this year......I see how weak my faith can be. That I often desire an outward manifestation of the power of God.

I want healing. I wanted it for my son. And I desire it for me.

I know He is able. I believe in His character. But I want the tangible. I want to define the terms.

God doesn't work that way. Sometimes the tangible is not what will make us stronger. We are too quick to give the power to something or someone else. To give the glory to another.

As Jesus walked the streets of Galilee, He often displayed His power through healing.

But even in physical healing, He was after more. He was after the heart of each person He healed.

He desired to bring healing to the inner places. He is more concerned with the inside than the outside.

“to show that the Son of Man has power on earth of forgive sins.” (Matt. 9:6)

“Which is easier to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Arise and walk?”

When Jesus healed the paralytic.....He not only said ‘Your sins are forgiven, but in His grace and love, He said, ‘Arise and Walk.”

That is the God we serve.

He desires to increase our faith. And He will do so at all costs, because our faith to Him, is more precious than gold. (1 Peter 1:7) Sometimes He grows it by displaying His power through the physical, but sometimes, it goes much deeper to the deep places of our hearts.

We are often more concerned with the outside than the inside. We are the ones who have it backward.

After Jesus was resurrected from the dead, Thomas doubted that He was alive. Thomas proclaimed that until he put his hands in Jesus side and saw his nail pierced hands, he wouldn’t believe. He needed to see it for himself.

Jesus knows our weaknesses. He knows when we waiver. He stood before Thomas displaying His scars. Thomas believed.

But Jesus went on to say, “blessed are those who believe without seeing.”

As 2010 closed out, I reflected on how Jesus met me in my weaknesses this past year. How in my weakness, He was strong. He was powerful. That as I believed in HIM, that power was made manifest in my weakness.

It is that power that we are held by.

Sometimes that power is declared through physical healing. The grand display. The fireworks. The miracle.

Other times, His power is displayed in the confines of our hearts and lived out in the midst of our physical disease: a diseased marriage, a diseased bank account, a diseased body.

That in the midst of these circumstances, physical healing isn’t brought forth, but instead a life built on Jesus Christ, displaying His glory, displaying His power. Displaying His love.....in spite of the physical.

That is healing. That is power.

In 2011, may we expect God to work without a whirlwind or a grand display announcing His power.

May we expect God to work because we know He is more than able - because we know HIM!

And as He opened the eyes of those two blind men.....may He open our eyes, as well.

Much love to you today and into 2011,
Stacy

Frosting, and sprinkles and sugar....OH MY!

2010-12-23T22:57:00.000-05:00

Cookies, cookies, and more cookies. Tuesday night we all gathered around the kitchen island for our annual sugar cookie cutting evening....Christmas trees, snowman, stars and bells....the cookie cutters scattered about, big and little hands taste testing the dough and flour falling like soft snow all around.....memories created, overdoes of laughter, messy hands and one tired mom. (and dad!)

Phew.....step one done....60+ sugar cookie cut-outs baked and ready to be adorned.

Adorned we did last night.

Frosting colored and pushed into decorating bags, pans laid out, sprinkles lined up....the troops were called in and the decorating in full swing.

One, two, three.....we're off....

Faith figuring out how this thing works, intently creating a masterpiece.

Jeddy, all smiles.

Mom (who lives in an attached in-law apartment), joined in on the action.

"Oh, I can't wait to eat this masterpiece!"

Luke, adding the star on top.

And Ben, well, this just shows you are never too old for decorating cookies.....or look closely at his pan.....
never too old to have fun with the sprinkles.

Frosting covered hands....in on the mess.....so thankful for these Christmas moments. The mess all worth it!

Fun.

Seth's creation.....not one of his finest.

And Jed, his creativity with the stars.

The finished product.

As quickly as they came, they left.....and my dear, sweet, precious husband who appointed himself the clean-up crew.

Ahhh, life is good.

Enjoy each moment for they all count!

Today, we had a few extra children over for playdates. Somehow throughout the day those 60+ cookies dwindled down to about 15 or so....that's what happens when you have a house of growing boys mixed in with friends. (who are also growing boys!)

Mental note for next year.....hide the cookies. :)

Hoping you are making many special Christmas memories.

Much love,
Stacy

Bare

2010-12-21T23:22:00.000-05:00

My calendar last week greeted me with 4 days of doctors appointments. What I had pictured as "time off", from chemo to radiation, was beginning to look quite different. Walking through cancer, there really is no "time off." It is always there. The reality. The possibilities. The doctors. There was no letting down this month between me and the medical community. Instead, we have broadened our relationships to now include a staff of radiation specialists....doctors, nurses, technicians and receptionists included.

More people on my path who I have the privilege of meeting. Lives intersecting through cancer. Relationships that might never have been built outside of this disease and my treatment.

Last Tuesday began with my Radiation Simulation appointment. The pre-radiation appointment, if you will, where images are made of my chest so that the radiation can be targeted to the desired location.

When I arrived, a nurse quickly greeted me in the waiting room. She lead me through the next door and guided me past the lockers that would hold my belongings each day as my treatment was underway, to the cabinet that held the hospital gowns, to the changing room and finally to the chairs that would hold me as I waited for my name to be called. This path would mark my footsteps for 28 consecutive days beginning in January. It will be a path that I will come to know well.

I completed the steps and sat in the small, back waiting room, dressed in the gown, bare underneath from the waist up....waiting. My nurse reappeared and walked me down the wide corridor to the imaging room.

The room was warm, but somehow a chill still ran through my body. I didn't want to be here. I sat quietly, somewhat nervously as she began her job. She was all all business. She had a job to do. My eyes gazed around the room as she prepared. Before me was the cat scan machine and a long, narrow bed attached to the machine. There was a closed door connecting to another room and a window along the same wall covered in metal blinds. Beyond that room were the technicians, I presumed, waiting with their imaging computers for my body to come up on their screens. The room was quiet.

She said she was ready and positioned me on the table. Underneath me laid a trash bag filled with the magic potion that would make the mold of my body. A mold that would hold me each day of treatment as the radiation did its job, hopefully killing any lingering cancer cells near my chest wall. A mold positioning me just right, made to fit my body exactly, cradling me, holding me.

My arms were raised overhead, hands loosely clasped, face turned to the side. Body exposed with nothing more than a thin sheet covering my chest, of which she had to take off marking my sides with a marker.

Bare.

It is a word that seems to define my exterior a lot these days. A bare head. Bare eyes with just traces of eyelashes left, bare eyebrows, the hair that is suppose to layer my exterior is gone.

And yet God reminds me that I am clothed in His mighty robes of righteousness and beauty. Robes that are lavish and deeply colored. Robes of royalty and an inheritance of glory that is waiting for me one day. A robe that is crisp and clean from the forgiveness that He freely extends each day. And I have to constantly bring this reality to the forefront of my mind and heart....meditating on Him alone or the bareness of my physical body will overtake me with grief. All that has been shed.

My mind goes to my Jesus who laid bare in the manger as He made His entrance into this world. As the animals in the stable carried on around Him. As the Wise Men came peering in on Jesus with awe and wonderment, probably never realizing the true beauty that laid before them. Beauty that was just in this baby, but what He had come to do. A purpose to fulfill. And then 33 years later, Bare...He would hang on a cross. Naked, beaten, bruised, hurting in pain unimaginable.....for you and for me. As onlookers mocked him, ridiculed him and gazed at his naked frame. Unknowing that He was the King of all Kings. Their redeemer. And that while His outward man was perishing, His inward soul was being renewed by the hand of His Father. There He hung, fully God and fully man.....something my mind has a hard time wrapping itself around.

He was willing to be bare.

It wasn't the outside that mattered so much as the inside. What laid beneath the surface. That was the business He was after.

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary,

but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Temporary versus eternal.

What we think is important in our eyes, compared to what is important in God's eyes.

And He is getting to the heart of my interior. The stripping away that began the moment I sat in the hair dressers chair months ago. I knew it in my heart. That this was just the beginning. As the hair fell softly to the floor that day. That God was doing a new work in my heart. But for that work to be accomplished, the old would have to go. Old patterns of thinking. Old habits. Old paradigms.

The stripping continues.

I don't lose heart. There are days I am tired and feel like this journey may go on forever. But I know He is doing a work deep within. Cleaning the lens and showing me what is of greater value.

The exterior is temporary. Let's face it. It grows old. It sags. It lets us down. We can spend oodles of money trying to make it better, but at the end of the day....it will die. We all will, someday.

But the soul, the interior.....as the body grows weak, the interior....through Christ.....can grow strong. It can blossom and grow. It can be renewed. And often, that renewing comes through the road of affliction.

I will be laid bare for that work to be accomplished in me. It is worth it. He is worth it. The eternal weight of glory is worth it.

And so I press on, trying not to look at what my eyes want to behold in the mirror, but what the mirror of God's Word beholds in me. That as God speaks to my heart about matters of my soul, I will respond in obedience and willingness.

She worked quickly pushing the sides of the trash bag against my body, holding it there as the liquid inside settled into place, hardening into a cast. I had my ipod in hand. I knew I needed to go to the place that truly brought me peace and rest. My body laid upon the narrow table, the catscan machine waiting just beyond my head....ready.

She made small talk as she worked. But I really didn't want to talk. I wanted to just be still. Once again, I choked back the tears that seem to sting my eyes so easily these days. They come from nowhere and freely flow down my cheeks when I least expect it. It is as if they sit, waiting. I closed my eyes, releasing the tension that stiffened my body. And then she left. It was just me and the machine.....and God, who never leaves or forsakes us. He is there, always.

Worship music began flooding my ears as I praised Him in the quietness and warmth of the room. The table slid into the machine, the whirl began as the machine took its pictures and the imaging began. I was transported to the throne of the Almighty. Peace flooded my heart. The bareness was replaced with the shelter of God Himself. He is my covering. As He whispered His love to my heart and my heart in return cried to Him. And we met again in the cat scan tunnel.

Time moved quickly as the table ushered me back into the room. My arms were numb and heavy from being stationary over my head for so long. The nurse returned and told me I could rest my arms. As I tried to move them they banged against my body with an uncontrolled heaviness. Blood began returning to my fingertips, as the nurse prepared my body for the radiation tatoos....4 of them....marking my body permanently. Pricks of a needle, forever marked by radiation. Forever marked by this breast cancer road, once again.

As the imaging appointment finished, I retraced my previous steps and walked out into the brisk air. Later that day, my oncologist called to tell me that there was a problem with my imaging. As it turns out, my left breast was a bit too large, thus inhibiting the radiation ray to my chest wall. She informed me that she had called my plastic surgeon, relaying this information and that my left side needed to be somewhat deflated.

Last Friday, I went to my plastic surgeon. He took the stitches out from my mole removal procedure the week before, He happily informed me that my moles all came back completely clear...no abnormal cells at all....Praise God! And then he took 125ML of saline out of my left breast leaving me, shall we say....a little bit lopsided.

And this too is temporary....following radiation....he will reinflate me for two months leading up to my final reconstruction surgery in late April.

So this morning, I was back to the radiation department, walking back through the paths leading to the cat scan imaging room....for imaging number 2. Same nurse, same room, same procedure. As she rolled me into the machine, Ipod once again playing and earphones snuggly in my ears.....a light shone through my closed eyes as worship music flooded my ears......with the words.....broken into beautiful.

That is our God.....He takes the broken, the bare....and makes us beautiful as we submit to His loving and gracious hand. He has heart work that He is after.

May we not lose heart.....

Much love today,
Stacy

Preschool Christmas Show - Another First for us

2010-12-19T12:38:00.000-05:00

Friday night was a proud moment for this momma....as you may know, the Preschool scene has been among the many "new" things that this past year has been wrapped in for us. In early October, Faith began attending a local Christian preschool 3 days a week. She is the first one in our Davis clan to attend Preschool.....call it cancer, call it a girl, call it "this momma needed a little break...." I'm calling it divine intervention. The experience has been nothing but spectacular for all of us.

Her teachers are an extension of God's heart to these precious and tender souls. The preschool director has blessed our family in more ways than I can express. And my little Faithy girl grins from ear to ear each preschool day. No separation anxiety in her little personality. No "bad" habits/attitudes coming home from preschool. Nothing but pure excitement and smiles...as she soaks up God's Word, learns her days of the week and ABC's, gets to be crafty (of which I'm not!), plays, and sings to her heart's content.

Friday night, we attended her Preschool Christmas Program. It was both divine and filled with the melodious voices of preschoolers pouring out their hearts in song to Jesus. It was the "first" Christmas program I've attended and there was much anticipation. Not just because Faith stood among her classmates singing and sharing the story of Christ's birth, but because she had been asked to sing a duet with another preschooler that evening.

My Faithy girl doesn't really have a shy bone in her body. At times, she is a bit bold. We are working on the "quick to listen and slow to speak" verse....as sometimes she can be a bit too forthright with adults and her mind comes pouring out through her mouth. This I think she might get from me. The joys of parenting as we see in our children what really first lies within us....and God uses our children to train our hearts as we are training theirs. :)

I digress.

Anyway, after weeks of practicing the song at home, Friday night was showtime. And she stood before that microphone and sang to Jesus and each one of us. My heart was full and tears stung my eyes. The evening was a gift in so many ways.

After the performance, as people came up to her and bid her well wishes and congratulations....some asked if she was nervous, to which she replied, "Nervous? Not at all." Again....she speaks her mind freely.

May you enjoy her singing "Let There Be Peace on Earth." And as Jesus is peace, may we share Him freely, lovingly and boldly this Christmas season and may we live each moment to its fullest!

(don't forget to pause the song playlist at the bottom of my blog before listening.

Faith is on the left in the white and black polka dots.)

Much love and peace to each of you,

Stacy

Door #3 - Radiation

2010-12-15T22:16:00.003-05:00

Last week, December 8th to be exact, door #3 of treatment stood before me.

The door read: RADIATION

No sooner had chemo ended one week before, and here we were traveling quickly to the next phase of treatment.

I wasn't really ready. I just wanted to stand still for a bit and rest. Wait. Savor the moments of chemo being over and bit by bit my body returning to normal.

But the door stood there ajar. Waiting for me to cross the threshold.

9:00AM, consultation with Dr. S.

Months prior, Barclay and I had met with two different Radiation Oncologists. We heard all the statistics. Why radiation was needed for my cancer. You see, when the mastectomy was done back in July, I had two positive lymph nodes that held cancer and In situ cancer (DCIS) was found .3mm from my chest wall. It was the chest wall issue that caused the doctor's concern and necessitated my need for radiation.

So we prayed. We sought the Lord on this matter, asking Him to show us His way. To bring all into agreement, if this is what we were to do.

We had talked to two other Radiation Oncologists, my Integrative doctor and my Medical Oncologist. All agreed.

And whereas, I really didn't want to proceed down this passageway.....I knew that is where my feet needed to travel.

But I was uneasy about my doctor. We hadn't met yet and it was so important for me to click with her. To feel comfortable in her hands. I knew she was well respected, but also knew that I didn't want to be a numbers and figures on a chart, as I had felt when meeting other doctors. I need my doctors to see me as a woman, with a family facing a disease. So far, God has given that to me, and more.

Wednesday morning came, as the dates on the calendars always do. I awoke early and spent some time in prayer and reading my Bible. I knew this morning, I needed protection...God's protection and His divine Truths to wash over me calming my restless heart. Refocusing my attention on Him and off the hours that laid ahead.

I am constantly aware that without Him I am weak and misguided. That left to myself, I am without peace and direction. Without strength. Without hope.

He is my everything. And He has the answers that I don't have. He calms the storm that begins rising within me.

"And Peter answered Him and said, 'Lord, if it is You, command me to come to you on the water.' So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, 'Lord, save me!' And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him...." Matthew 14:28-31

My eyes need to be fixed on Him....everyday. Every hour. Every minute.

And so that morning, I fixed my eyes on Him. Seeking His shelter and His peace.

He is faithful leading me in His Word to exactly what I needed to hear deep in my heart.

He lead me to Psalm 108.

And I read....

"I will praise You, O Lord, among the peoples, And I will sing your praises to You among the nations.....that Your beloved may be delivered, save with Your right hand, and hear me.....Give us (me) help from trouble, For the help of man is useless. Through God we (I) will do valiantly, For it is He who shall tread down our (my) enemies."

He again showed me that He is fighting this enemy....cancer. He is my help. He is my deliverer. Through Him I will do mighty things.....and He will take down this enemy. His way, in His time. All I need to do is stand strong in Him, each and every day and wait on the Lord.

I know I sound like a broken record.....but really....in God is victory and strength. He takes down strongholds and parts the sea. He takes down the giants and desires us to live abundantly in Him.

So I choose Him over everything else.

I stood confident in Him as I walked through the Radiation door.

And He showed Himself strong.

From the receptionist, to the nurse to the Radiation Oncologist......more than I could have asked for.

They were all lovely. They were gentle with me. They were kind. They made me laugh. And the conversation with Dr. S wasn't focused on statistics and percentages of recurrence. She focused on me. Where I began, where I had gone these last 8 months, and why we were seated in front of her that day. And whereas she agreed, that radiation is needed, she ended with saying...."Stacy, ultimately you can choose if this is what is best for you."

No forcing. No medical muscles flexed to intimidate.

A choice.

And isn't that what everything comes down to....choices. Will we chose Him? Will we walk in His love and His strength? Will be rest in His peace?

That morning as I chose to start with Him. Stay with Him and be lead by Him.....He held me tightly.

And so we walk through this door....Beginning in January, I will go through 28 days of radiation therapy. 5 days a week. Targeting my right side from my clavicle to just under my rib cage.

Until then, I have appointments to set up the specs for my radiation. A custom mold made of me for the radiation table. Imaging to target the radiation in the right spots. And then on we go...ready.

And so, with peace and confidence in God alone, I walk through the next door trusting that God has gone before me.

And as I walk this cancer journey, I am learning more and more that rest is not the absence of trials and difficulty.....rest is the presence of God.

Are you resting in Him today, no matter where He has you?

Much love,
Stacy

Do you see what I see.....

2010-12-13T10:54:00.001-05:00

So a little laughter on Monday morning is always a good way to start the day.

On Sunday morning, during breakfast, I was showing the kids my new peach fuzz, telling them that daddy said it was like the head of a newborn baby. Saying that they could now picture what I looked like as a baby, a long time ago. My new fuzz is super fine, kinda white and wispy. It will probably fall out as it changes over to "real" hair. The excitement builds as we wait to see what my 'new' hair will look like. Most say it comes in darker and curlier. Time will tell.

Well, My 10 year old, in such a sweet, childlike manner piped in, "Yeah, but mom you have teeth, babies don't have teeth!"

The boys, all gathered around the kitchen table, with two of their friends who had spent the night, started laughing hysterically.....I think picturing me with no teeth.

I, too, couldn't stop laughing and said to the boys..."It is bad enough not having hair, can you imagine what I'd look like right now with peach fuzz and no teeth!"

Thanking God for the little things....peach fuzz and teeth. :)

"Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new.' And He said to me, 'Write, for these words are true and faithful." Revelation 21:5

Much love today,

Stacy

It's been a long week....

2010-12-11T20:40:00.000-05:00

Today was beautiful.

I'm not speaking of the weather. That too, was beautiful. From frigid 30's for the past week to the 50's today. Yes, the air lost its bite and a warmth was replaced.

But today was beautiful for other reasons.

Today, 120 women gathered at our church celebrating our Savior at our Women's Christmas luncheon. Breaking bread together. Worshipping together. Fellowshipping together joined by the common thread of Jesus Christ our Lord...sisters in Christ.

And God was there. His Spirit was felt in such a tangible way as He moved through the hearts of the women, especially mine. As He spoke through the woman sharing the message from Isaiah 9:6:

"For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called

Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Speaking Truth, speaking love, speaking of prophecy and fulfillment, speaking of the gift of salvation and the greatest gift giver, all wrapped in one. Jesus Christ. Speaking of the character of Jesus. Who He is and what He's done for us.

That the focus of this season is not just a baby laying in a manager. That was Jesus's earthly entrance fully God and fully man. That day in Bethlehem was life changing. But Jesus came to do so much more. He walked among us fulfilling a purpose. Bestowing upon us a gift wrapped in more love than our minds can fathom...the giving of Himself.....and He suffered unjustly on the cross at Calvary for my sins and yours, died and rose again....alive today.....seated at God's right hand on the heavenly throne desiring a relationship with you and me.

From the manager, to the cross, to the throne.

May we celebrate Him this Christmas season. May we get to know more of His heart. More of His thoughts. More of His ways. May we focus on the gift giver. Thanking Him and loving Him, giving more to Him than to any other. He is the greatest gift giver.

He is Wonderful. The great Counselor. Mighty God and Everlasting Father. The Prince of Peace.

He is worthy.

Do you know Him? May we all seek Him this Christmas season.

It was a beautiful ending to a long week and so humbling and fulfilling seeing God bring 6 months of prayer and preparation to fulfillment, as He allows me to oversee our church's Women's Ministry. What a privilege.

On another note....

I'm sorry I've been away for the last week or so. After chemo, I retreated to my bed for a few days. Bone pain descended. Fatigue took over. But God gave respite even in the midst of this last recovery, allowing me to attend a much anticipated wedding and also make it to church last Sunday. Each day I fell into bed quickly thereafter, but was thankful to make it out. By Tuesday, I was back on my feet feeling restored once again and chemo a thing of my past.

In the midst of final luncheon preparations this past week, I had my first radiation oncology appointment on Wednesday. Bible Study Thursday morning and then that afternoon, I had two moles removed in an outpatient procedure. Friday set up for the luncheon and then ahh.....rest right now.

It has been a long week. I hope to share more about my appointment this week, as God moved mountains once again and spoke so intimately to my heart the morning of my radiation appointment. And then Satan, as is His way, tried to wreak havoc on my mind on Thursday following my procedure. He surely doesn't want me walking in Christ's victory, or entering Christ's rest. And He ramped things up on Thursday after my plastic surgeon informed me he is a little worried about the mole taken off my back.

So we wait for pathology to come back this week. And as I wait, I will rest in the Lord and His goodness because again.....He is Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

I don't have to understand why things happen as they do, but I trust in a God who does and who holds me in His righteous right hand.

That is where I am resting tonight. I pray you are too!

Much love,
Stacy

PS...A huge thank you to my sweet blogging sister in the Lord, Lisa. I came to post tonight and saw all your precious comments, quickly learning that Lisa had shared my story of God's Victory on her blog. I was humbled beyond words. My heart was touched by each one of you. Thank you for praying me through this breast cancer journey. I hope to stop by and say hi to each of you.

And lastly....yes, I will stop here......8 years ago today, my precious boy, Joshua, went home to be with the Lord. Hard to believe it has been 8 years. In many ways it seems like yesterday and in others....it seems like forever. He is being remembered today. A precious gift to our family in so many ways. Again, God set forth the perfect day, a day my mind was on Him and all that He has done. God gives and takes away....blessed be the Lord.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:7

The Victory Celebration

2010-12-03T08:39:00.002-05:00

There are days that you just don't want to forget. Forever etched on your heart and in your mind.

Significant.

Many of those days are not days of our choosing. They are days that chose us through the hand of a loving and faithful Father. Approving, understanding the significance, and knowing that the purpose holds eternal weight.

Wednesday was one of those days. As my last chemo treatment was before me, I wanted to celebrate.

Celebrate the end, bringing about a new beginning.

Celebrating the journey and all that God had taught me along the way, thus far...knowing there is more ahead, but this passageway complete.

Celebrate life and hope through Jesus Christ.

Celebrate friends and the family of God for whom God used to bring me through. Many who gave more to me than they may ever know.

A couple weeks before the calendar marked my last treatment day, I sat in the chemo lounge, receiving a treatment and watched as a lady finished her course. A bell was brought to the center of the room and this lady rang that bell signifying the end. And she bid farewell to each of us sitting in the chemo chairs announcing her road to wellness was before her. There was a smile on her face and a skip in her step. It was a joyous moment. One I will always remember.

I knew my day was approaching. After 97 days of enduring the effects of chemo....August 26th to December 1st....the passageway was narrowing and the door coming to a close on day 98, December 1st..a new beginning.

And I wanted to celebrate that victory. I didn't just survive. Through Christ, I conquered.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword.....yet in all these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Him who loved us." Romans 8:35,37

And that is victory....sweet victory. That these trials do not separate....they draw us closer, if we'll submit and allow them to.....closer to our Jesus as our dependence is on Him and none other. In Him I am a victor.

Now mind you, I didn't know what that celebration looked like....so I deferred to my precious husband who enlisted the help of some precious other sisters in the Lord.

And once again, I witnessed the body of Christ in action. The love of Christ poured out as a drink offering.

I drank deeply and am still full today.

Once again, my thanks are not enough. They come from a place so deep in my heart and soul and yet I feel I can never adequately repay each of you for the love you have poured out on me and my family. So many of you, God has used in my life these past 8 months. From the time I found the lump in late April until today. These precious woman who surrounded me on Wednesday, have ministered to me in ways that truly bring me to tears as I write these words. From the continual phone calls just checking in on me, to the cards received by their hands in some of my weakest moments, to the prayers that they have ushered to God's throne, often over the phone with me or in person, to the life giving words of Truth from God that they have spoken into me, to the tangible help each chemo week with my children, to the hugs, the gifts received....to the selfless love that they each have offered to me with open hands. May God return to them 10 fold. May God bless them in ways that I never could. Thank you sweet friends, for holding my hand and even raising them when I was too weak. You are tokens of God's grace and love.

And there are many more around me, who were not there that day, who, too, have walked with me. Thank you.

What a beautiful ending God gave me as I crossed that threshold over the chemo doorway once and for all. May these pictures complete this part of HIS story.

The completion bell resting upon a shelf in the chemo lounge. It was my day to ring it~

Ring the bell three times well, its toll will clearly say, "My treatments done! This course is run and now I'm on my way!"

Birdseye view of the chemo lounge. Many hours spent here. Barclay came with me to treatment this morning, but left at lunchtime (now knowing he had much up his sleeve!) and my best friend, Beth, came sitting with me to the end.

As this was all a surprise to me, I later learned that some of my precious friends were waiting in the lobby outside the chemo lounge for their grand entrance as my chemo was completed.

The moment of surprise as they came around the corner bearing balloons, gift baskets and their smiling faces.
I was truly overwhelmed with their love and their desire to share in this special day with me.

Laura, my nurse that day, disconnecting me from the chemo line for the last time.

At this point, my husband had returned with all of our children and my mother, in tow. Here is Jeddy, our 6 year old, coming right over to hug me. Later that night, He told me, "Mommy, I am so glad your chemo is done!"

It is finished!

The man of my dreams. Having walked intimately beside me. Holding me. Enduring. Drawing closer. And here embracing me once again. We celebrate together.

They brought the bell to the center of the room. There were about 7 people still finishing up their treatment that afternoon. I quickly shared with them the passage from Deuteronomy that God had spoken to my heart that morning. Praying that God would encourage their hearts on their journey. "Stand strong in the Lord. Posses the victory that is in Him. He will lead you to the other side...a land flowing with milk and honey. This is what He desires for you. He cares for you deeply. Trust in Him"

And I rang that bell!!

My family

With my mom.....

with my sweet, endearing, precious friends and sisters in the Lord.

Some of the many wonderful and gifted nurses that took care of me with a tender heart and a tender touch. With a smile on their face and compassion in their eyes each week. They walked me through each treatment, each Neulasta shot, each question and concern.

After I ran the bell, Beth handed me a baggie filled with laminated Bible verses. My life verse was typed on pretty paper and laminated. 1 Corinthians 15:58 "My beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable always abounding in the work of the Lord knowing your labor is not in vain in the Lord." She had made them for me to hand out. I walked through the chemo lounge and asked each person if I could give them this bookmark, that God would encourage their hearts as they continued through their journey. All but one took them. This dear lady, was holding the hand of a friend. As I came to her, she had a story to share with me.

She told me that she is a 30 year cancer survivor. She continued to tell me a story that I will remember forever. After her treatment ended, she worried, as most cancer patients do....that her cancer would come back. Her faith was strong. But Satan was waging a war on her mind. That is his way. He is a lion who seeks daily who he can devour. (1 Peter 5:8) She wasn't going to let him win. She was speaking to her priest one day sharing this with him. This is what the priest told her that she passed on to me in that moment....."I wouldn't tell anyone to ever go to hell.....but Satan....my priest told me....you tell him to go to hell, back where he came from and leave you alone!"

The battle is won! Victory is mine says the Lord! AMEN.

And here is my oncologist, who happened to come around the corner at the end of the celebration, Dr. Johnson. Like a mother in many ways to me. Her sweet and gentle spirit drew me. Meekness, in a profession where you don't see that very often. Yet, a woman filled with knowledge and wisdom. God placed me in her hands.

One final farewell....and around the corner, out the door I went. My friends went their way, and we piled in the car heading home....relishing in those beautiful moments and the people that God had blessed me with.

Little did I know the party was to continue at home with others gathered. As we pulled into our neighborhood and drove up the hill, there lining the roadway were familiar cars. Tears of joy flooded my eyes once again. As I walked in there they were. And I pulled them all in for one big group hug.

I am truly blessed beyond measure to know these woman.

We sat around the table, eating, talking and sharing. Fellowship.

And as I shared again what God did in my heart that morning, the message He had for me that truly set the foundation for that day and my days to come....our Pastor's wife and dear friend, Laurie, pulled out a slip of paper that she had written a note to me on, laying atop a package and read it...

."Stacy, I couldn't find "pink" but praise God 'pink - as beautiful as it is, shall be behind you.' I don't know what color stands for triumph....but whatever that color is, it is yours! I believe that whatever grain of fear that was left in you - God has used the vehicle of cancer to stomp it out. You expressed years ago that you battled fear and worry. Faith will and has triumphed! Amen!!

You see.....God confirmed through Laurie, all that He had spoken to my heart just hours before through His Word. He is faithful, always and to the end.

And as my morning began at the throne of Jesus, so too, it ended with my sisters gathered around me, unified through Jesus Christ as He laid His life down for each of us on the cross some 2000 years ago....saying, "It is finished." He conquered death. He took our sin upon His shoulders covering our sin with His blood. Fully God, fully man. He suffered and it was in His suffering that He knows ours, intimately. He meets us there with outstretched arms saying, Come. In Me, there is everlasting life. Believe. Have hope. Find lasting peace.

"I am the way, the Truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. " John 14:6

There is nothing greater than He!!!

I am not a survivor. I am a Victor, through Jesus Christ my Lord.
In Christ's amazing love,
Stacy

Victory - last chemo treatment!

2010-12-01T23:38:00.001-05:00

5:30AM

The bedside alarm sounds.

I am unfazed. In a deep slumber. Just a little longer echoes in my mind as I unconsciously lean over turning off the alarm. No snooze. Off.

And my mind and spirit wrestle as I drift back off to sleep.

"Come to Me." I hear. I'm waiting whispers the voice of God.

And I so want to go but don't. Sleep ensues.

And He waits. He doesn't have too, but He does. He stands at the door. Not being an intrusive God. Not forceful. And I'm sure, His heart is aching for me to choose Him over sleep.

He wakes me up at 6:42 with an urgency. I'm awake. The need to be with Him overtakes my need for more sleep.

Forgive me, Lord. I'm sorry.

And the hand of forgiveness is extended. His grace poured out.

I am on a mission as I slip out the bedroom door and go to my new meeting space with the Lord.

The house is quiet and dark. Stillness abounds.

In that stillness we meet as a divine appointment had been planned unbeknownst to me.

Jesus had something to speak to my heart. Something I needed for today and each day going forward.

His love is abundant and real like that. He has that for each of us if only we "Come and meet Him."

So we met as we do almost everyday. This day He poured out upon me as if a deluge of living water flooded my heart with words that dripped truth from every drop.

As the rain outside poured heavily this morning and the wind swept the rain, so too, the Holy Spirit was doing a work in my heart, deep inside.

You see, today, Wednesday, December 1st, was chemo #8, my last treatment. A day marked forever on the calendar. A day signifying the end and a new beginning. A day that should be filled with joy and thanksgiving. Rejoicing.

And I was struggling.

I kept looking past today with the reality that my cancer could come back and with it, more chemo. More treatments. More pain. Was today really the end? What if it is temporary, as I wait through the next 5 years. The next 10 years. What if it comes back and I am back in this room, in this chair? I will be forever in relationship with my oncologist. Forever tested, scanned and prodded. Forever on alert to signs in my body signifying a return.

And I put up a wall of protection. I justified my feelings saying I was living in reality. The reality that my cancer could return. I can "Do" all the right things: eat well, take my supplements, exercise, rest, go for Vit. C treatments, get chemo, get radiation.... and yet, my cancer is in God's hands. My future, it too lies outside of my control in the hands that created me.

And He asked me this morning, "Will you walk in victory or in defeat?" Will you walk by faith, trusting that I have something good for you no matter what? I go before you in all things. Trust Me. Or will you walk in your old ways.....fear? Fearing the future, trusting, putting my hope in "things" outside of him, fearing cancer?"

That four letter word that has been attached to my heart for too many years. I thought I was free from fear and that I had let those weights go long ago.

But I had picked them back up. You see my greatest fear in life has always been cancer and my health. And it ultimately came down to control, gripping tightly to the tangible or letting go to the seemingly intangible. Walking by faith not by sight.

God was asking me this morning to face that fear head on, with Him as He gently lead me by the hand through His Word. His Word is truth and there the intangible becomes alive. Real. Abundant. Tangible.

And He walked me through the fear. He named the sin for me. And isn't that what we do with sin. We justify. We try to give it a pretty name or even pretend that it isn't even there.

But God...those two words that change it all. He says "in me there is victory and with victory there is peace and there is rest. Will you grab ahold of Me? Will you posses the victory that is yours in Christ. He wants us to repent. To come to Him, confess, and be cleansed.

He sent the cleansing rain this morning.

With the house quiet, the lights low and my heart ready. We met.

As we began our walk together through His Word. He didn't waste any time.

I picked up my devotional reading:

"There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God." Hebrews 4:9

That rest includes victory: "The Lord gave them rest on every side.....The Lord handed all their enemies over to them" Joshua 21:44. "Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:57

And you know what....I didn't realize this this morning as I read, but as I typed that last verse just now and then typed where it is found in the Bible, I stopped.

You see, my life verse is 1 Corinthians 15:58. God gave me that verse when I was pregnant with Joshua just days before I knew that he was fatally ill. It is my life verse because it stands as the platform upon which I stand with Christ.

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing your labor is not in vain in the Lord."

My life is in Him and a work of Him. And this verse proceeds it. "But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

As I type I am in awe once again in my Father, Jesus Christ.

I can be steadfast and immovable because He is. And He gives me the victory through Him alone.

It is the bookend to my faith. As this walk of cancer has been for me. Josh was one end and this cancer has been and will continue to be another. Two roads looking completely different on the outside, but doing a work much the same, only deeper on the inside.

He goes before us in ALL things just as this verse goes before the other.

Victory.

Victory includes peace. Victory includes rest. Victory is the absence of war. Where there is peace, there is no fear. That is only found in Christ.

You see, the devotional went on to tell the story of a Christian woman, who was plagued by fear, trouble and anxiety. She had a dream. In that dream God met her. She was walking on a highway and on that highway all the people were carrying black bundles. The people were tired and they were weighted down...burdened. These bundles were being dropped along the road by scary, creepy looking creatures. And as one bundle dropped someone quickly picked it up, carrying it along. She, too, carried her black bundles.

After awhile, she looked up and starred into the face of man whose face shined with light, peace and love. He moved through the crowd. He came to her and asked her why she was carrying those bundles? He told Him how tired she was. They were heavy. He looked her in the eyes and told her, "Those bundles are not from Me. You have no need for them. They are the devil's burdens weighing you down. Drop them and refuse to pick them up again. Then you will find your path easy and you will feel carried on the wing's of eagles. (Ex. 19:4)

She dropped those black bundles, laid herself at the feet of Jesus and her heart was filled with peace. You see she possessed the victory. She choose to live in it. She choose Him.

And I bowed my head and prayed. I poured out my life to Christ surrendering it all to Him, again.

I then, opened my Bible, to Daniel. And God in His perfect way lead me through His Word, laying my eyes on the exact words that my heart needed to hear. One verse, lead to another, and another until He brought me to my final resting place.

In Daniel He showed me that Daniel "Purposed in His heart that He would not sin and instead, seek holiness and purity." That is He sought God. He would not eat the food dedicated to idols. That which goes against God.

Because of this, Daniel was victorious. You see he was going against the king's instruction and choosing God. All signs said that he would die, be cut off by going against the king and eating something different. But when God is for you, who can rise up against you?" God had gone before Daniel. He was doing a work. He honors obedience and blesses purity.

A test ensued and guess what, God won and so Daniel won. Victory. It is the Lords. It is ours.

And He took me to Psalm 68

My eyes soaked up each word and as they came to verse 7, "O God, when You went out before Your people, when you marched them through the wilderness, the earth shook, The heavens also dropped rain at the presence of God.....You, O God, sent a plentiful rain."

He went before His people. He sent rain.

At this point, I couldn't get enough. God had set out the appetizer, and now I was moving onto the meal.

I dug deeper.

I went to Exodus 13:21 and read of the Great Exodus out to Egypt and right before the Israelites were ready to cross the Red Sea, after a long and arduous journey. Hard. Painful. Questioning. Carried.

God reminds them....."And the LORD went before them, by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so as to go by day and night." He didn't take the pillar away.

He lead them.

He went before them.

He never left.

He's done the same for you and for me. What do I have to fear?

He prepares. He seeds. He waters. He brings forth a harvest. If only we will Come and follow.

And then He took me to the final resting place for my heart this morning.

The place I needed to be this morning, before I walked through the chemo doors one last time. How would I walk through those doors? Rejoicing in Christ's victory? With peace and joy? or weighed down? Dragging? Fearing the future?

He laid my eyes to rest in Deuteronomy chapter 11.

As I started at the beginning and read through, coming to verse 8....it was there....there that I began to weep tears of joy, tears of thanksgiving.....tears of deep gratitude and love to my Heavenly Father.

He met me. Taught me. Changed me. Encouraged me. Broke me only to renew me!

"Therefore, you shall keep every commandment which I command you today, that you may be STRONG and go in and POSSESS the land which you cross over to possess, and that you may PROLONG your days in the land which the Lord swore to give your fathers, to them, and their descendants, A LAND FLOWING WITH MILK AND HONEY. For the land which you go in to posses is not like the land of Egypt from you have come, where YOU sowed YOUR seed and watered it by foot, as a vegetable garden; BUT the land which you cross over to possess is a land of hills and valleys, which drinks water from the rain of heaven, a land for which the Lord your God CARES."

Deuteronomy 11:8-12

He was speaking to the new generation of Israelites who would be ushered into the promised land through Joshua. Moses is challenging them to seek God, the true victor. Their strength. Their guide. The one and only true God.

Here is how God spoke to my heart.....

Stacy, obey me in all things. In Me lies strength. Go and take hold of the victory that I have for you. Possess it. Take possession. I want to lead you to the other side of these treatments. The other side of your journey. I desire your days to be long as you rest in me. With victory comes rest and peace. My ways are filled with that...milk and honey......joy, peace, abundance, rest. Don't go back to fear. Your old ways. Don't walk in your own strength and wisdom. What I have for you will still have hills and valleys, but those hills and valleys are watered by me. The rain I send will bring forth a harvest of righteousness. I care for you. Trust me, today. I go before you in all things. Do not fear the future. I am with you and if I lead you back to the cancer lounge one day, if your cancer returns....I will have prepared you for that day and where I am, there you, too, shall be. Walk victorious. "There is no fear in love."

May His words be cemented to my heart. I don't ever want to forget.

Literally the floodgates poured open. My eyes were opened and my heart received.

I had peace. And I walked in it, in Him, today through the last chemo treatment.

My friends, God is good. What He gave me today, He has for each of you. He shows no partiality. His love is the same. His Word is alive because He is alive. And He has an amazing plan for each of our lives. Are you walking in His victory. You can, even in the midst of your circumstances. Choose Him today. Your life will be forever changed.

I sat in that chair this morning a victor. I pray that door never opens again for me, but I am confident of this, if it does, He has gone before me. He will make the path straight. And today, today....I walk in that confidence, no fear. And today is the only day I am asked to walk; obediently, purely, seeking Him. He will take care of my tomorrows. Blessed be the name of the Lord!!

Chemo #8- it was a celebration on every level...I'll share more tomorrow!

Chemo complete...the chair is now empty......

As God has laid before me doors and passageways, I prayed as I walked over that threshold, out the chemo door.....

That the door will close forever, but the work in my heart will continue......to God be the glory!

Thank you for walking through with me. I am eternally grateful. Please pray for me as I enter into the next 6 days of chemo effects, fatigue and pain. May I lean on the Lord through it all.

In Christ alone,
Stacy

Thanksgiving Travels

2010-11-29T23:59:00.002-05:00

Sorry it has been a week since I've written anything.....All is well on the home front. Life just kept me away. I always have the best intentions, and thoughts continue to swirl in my head, but somehow I can't always make it to the computer to put those thoughts down.

This week is a big week for me, as my last chemo is in eyesight. I hope to post tomorrow some more on that subject, but for today I'll share with you the Thanksgiving that I think might go down in our families' record book. I envision years beyond when my children will say, "Mom, remember that crazy Thanksgiving when we all went to Harrisburg the day before Thanksgiving and had to fill up 7 hours while Dad worked, the day went on forever, we were exhausted and oh you had cancer." I think there will be many laughs in hindsight.

Here is how it unfolded......

We weren't exactly sure what we were going to do this year for Thanksgiving. I have gone from an expert, "need to plan out every minute" kind of girl, to a let's wait and see what tomorrow brings kind of a girl and we'll decide then." Cancer has a way of doing that to you. And it is good. I'm liking the change.

In most past years, we'd travel to Northern VA (about a 3 hours drive) and spend a couple days with my husband's family. His parents live there along with his brother and his family and his sister and hers. All the extended family comes to town, as well, making it a mini-family reunion each year. It truly is special to see everyone come together for the holiday. There are around 40 people in attendance.

Let's just say this year, that was a teeny tiny bit overwhelming to me. I just didn't want to talk about cancer. I didn't want to wear cancer and I just didn't know if I'd have the energy to pack us all up and make the trek. But I wanted to do it for my husband. I wanted it for my kids, as family is so important. And the energy was returning after round 7 of chemo. So, on Tuesday we decided to make the trip. I was so thankful that Thanksgiving fell on an off-chemo week for me as it might just be one of my top favorite meals and I was looking forward to tasting it and enjoying it.

My husband works for an orthopedic company on the sales end of things. When surgeons are operating and using his spinal hardware, he is in the OR with the surgeon. Well, another consultant had asked him to cover a case in Harrisburg, PA on Wednesday. Harrisburg is almost halfway to his parents house. We found out Wednesday afternoon that the case had been moved to number 2 on the OR schedule. That meant a 10:30 OR time instead of 7:30AM.

Our plans were becoming a bit more complicated. In light of that new development, I thought it crazy for him to drive there, drive back to our house upon completion and then all of us retrace his steps. So I had this crazy idea to pack up that night, put it all in the car early Wednesday morning and go with him to Harrisburg. I figured I'd take the kids while he was in surgery and make a field trip out of it. Sometimes I can be a bit over ambitious. Still a work in progress....

So packed we did. By 9:00 Wednesday morning, we were all on our way. We were going to drop Barclay off at the Harrisburg hospital at 10:30 and then the kids and I would make our way to the Harrisburg State Museum. All went smoothly and to say the kids were excited would be an understatement.

The museum was both educational and inspirational seeing PA's history before us and the foundation of the state we live in. Ben and Seth are studying American History right now, and just finished through the colonization of the states, so we were in step with what they were studying. We all loved it. On the lower level they had a kids zone, which the younger 2 loved....and the 3 older found ways to enjoy as well. It was a nice way to end the museum tour.

We went across the street for lunch and then over to the state capital. I had never been there and it is truly a magnificent building. The kids were enthralled with it. We saw the senate and the House of Representatives. We stood in the Rotunda and marveled at the history that coated the walls and floors of that building. We sat on the marble grand staircase steps and read through the brochure together gleaning the facts from the pages as our eyes took in the surroundings. Together, we walked the halls of history as so much came alive. A field trip like none other.

We walked back to the car and at this point, I'm thinking we are in the home stretch. Three hours were absorbed as we soaked up the history. My feet, which have been struck with Neuropathy due to the chemo, were beginning to get soar. I texted Barclay to get his ETA and his reply back was, "we are getting ready for the second part of the surgery...about 3 more hours."

It was at this point that I began getting a bit ancy. I wasn't quite sure how to fill 3 more hours and we were all museumed out at this point. My brain went into survival mode....5 kids....a town I used to live in years ago, but it had changed quite a bit.....what to do with the next 3 hours? They were filled with walking through 2 malls, treking through the Big Bass Pro Shop (where we blew through $7 in quarters in 30 minutes as the boys played the laser gun games), and checking out our first home where Ben had lived for 2 years some 12 years ago. I think we drove pretty much all around Harrisburg by that point.

Around 5:30, I dared text Barclay again to see how close he was to being done. He said he wasn't sure. That is never a good answer. And at this point, I was beyond weary, totally worn out and questioning what had possessed me to think I could do this? It was then that I threw in the towel, drove back to the hospital and thanked God for the car DVD. For the next hour and a half, we sat parked in the hospital parking lot, car running, while the kids watched a movie. At 7:15 my dear sweet hubby walked out the hospital doors and we all sighed a heavy sigh of thankfulness.

Onward we traveled to Winchester, VA....after a long, but educational day.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Barclay's family. Thanksgiving was relaxing. And despite my fears, cancer wasn't discussed too much at all and again, I could just be....be with family and enjoy all that God has so richly blessed us with. We played games, caught up with all the relatives, the cousins giggled together, the older boys played pool and ping pong, and we enjoyed a delicious turkey feast.

We came home on Friday evening after a wonderful and memorable time away.

As I type these words, I sit in front of our Christmas tree. Knowing that chemo is coming again on Wednesday and I'd be out of commission for about 6 days or so, we went out this weekend and bought our tree, decorated the house and did some Christmas shopping. It feels good to do those normal things. To enjoy the holidays without cancer robbing me of that time and the joy. I won't let it.

It is all in how you look at it, isn't it. Life is that way. I can either focus on what I don't have, or focus on what I do.....I choose the latter. And all is good. It sure will be a Thanksgiving to remember.

Hope you all had a full Thanksgiving spent savoring the richness and blessings of all that you have.

William Penn, statue of the founder of PA

Mural of one of the battles during the Civil War

A mural depicting the overall history of PA

Seth being funny in the Kids Zone!

On the steps inside the Capital

Outside the capital

Much love,

Stacy

Peace Like A River

2010-11-22T06:31:00.000-05:00

I come once again to this place trying to make heads and tails of my thoughts and emotions. They truly are like a coin being tossed in the air. No sooner is one laid bare on the ground declaring its name...pity or gratitude, faith versus fear, weary and long suffering, war versus peace......heads or tails....I snatch it up, turn it over and over trying to understand and make sense. Maybe I make it all too complicated, which very well could be the case.

Maybe it is week 14 of chemo. The cumulative effect so talked about early on just now being made manifest within.

Whatever the case, there has been too much thinking time, interrupted with sleep, too much sleep, giving way for restlessness and pain that permeates the whole scene.

Needless to say, it isn't pretty.

The two worlds of thoughts and emotions collided on Saturday evening.

Saturday morning began with a renewed sense of energy. Following a day and a half of sleep, I awoke knowing I needed to get to the Cancer Center by 8:00AM for my Neulasta shot. Glad to be out of bed and dressed, the tiredness wrapped around me, but not consuming me, I made my way. It is quick when I have the shot on Saturday mornings, no traffic to deal with, no registration, no waiting for your name to be called....you walk in the back door of the Cancer lounge, get your shot from the nurse working the weekend shift, and walk back out the door.

Easy.

I stopped at Starbucks on my way home, picking up a coffee and a treat for my hubby and sweet Faith.

Jed had stayed another night at a friends. The three older boys were at a one-night Sunday School Retreat. Our house was really quiet when I returned home. Just Barclay and Faith at the kitchen island ready for Saturday morning breakfast.

We began discussing the day. Laying out some of the things that needed to be done, errands to run, and times when kids needed to be picked up. It all seemed manageable... so with my energy in tack....off we went.

I love running errands with my husband. Might seem silly, but I love just being with him. Doing life. Driving together, talking, walking through the store, laughing, deciding, united.

It felt good.

And so the day continued on with a sense of normalcy blanketing our time together. Off to pick up Jed and then a quick stop at a property that some dear friends are considering purchasing. Property that would bring them much closer to us. It was there that my world or normalcy and cancer collided. As I walked around through the house, my legs began growing heavy, the temperature swings began within me and I could feel the chemo effects begin to let loose once again. The downward spiral began.

I was done. Thankful for a couple hours of Saturday errands, but sad that my body just couldn't keep up.

To my bed, I retreated once again. This time, the pain came on steadily. As an unwelcomed guest. Holding me hostage to a place I didn't want to be once again.

And my thoughts and emotions were tossed in the air landing spontaneously in a puddle around me.

I couldn't make heads or tails.

Later that evening, Barclay came upstairs putting Faith and Jed to bed for the night. A routine I am usually a part of, but tonight, too tired.

Barclay peaked his head into the bedroom, after having laid down the two little ones. And the floodgate of tears opened as I laid there.

Will it ever be normal again? What is normal? Will this too pass? And what does the future look like? Will I ever be a "full" woman again for my husband and my children?

My sweet husband curled up beside me in bed and just held me close. He wrapped his strong arms around me, laid his head against mine and prayed. He saw the collision happening. He did for me what in that moment I couldn't do for myself. Lay the thoughts and emotions down at the throne of Jesus where He alone could cover them with truth, with peace, with love.

And it is at the throne of God where true grace, mercy and peace is found.

"For He Himself is our peace." Ephesians 2:14

Jesus is peace. It is what He embodies. Who He is. What He makes. Peace.

No collisions. No war happening in the mind and spirit. No coins tossed in the air. Just peace.

Jesus's peace began to wash over me.

From down the hallway, my little Faithy girl called my name.

"Mommy, are you going to come say goodnight to me?"

My husband let go of the embrace, and I pulled myself out of bed making my way to her room.

I climbed in bed with her. Laying on top of the covers, stroking her long hair. Her eyes danced as she asked me to sing to her, part of our nightly bedtime routine. We have the repertoire that we choose from. And she asked for the river song.

My eyes still wet from crying and my voice unsteady....I began in a whisper..."I've got a river of life flowing out of me, makes the lame to walk and the blind to see....." She interrupted me,

"No, mommy, not that one. You know the peace and river one."

"I didn't know what she was asking for." She must have sensed that, for began right in singing to me."

In her angelic, childlike singing voice, she began ministering to my heart.

"I've got peace like a river. I've got peace like a river. I've got peace like a river in my heart. I've got joy like a fountain, I've got love like an ocean. I've got peace live a river in my heart."

And the tears began to fall again. But this time they weren't tears of sadness and turmoil. They were tears of peace and joy and a deep love flowing over me from the hand of my heavenly Father.

Faithy girl looked at me and said, "Mommy, you are crying. Don't cry. This is a good song." And I wrapped my arms tightly around her as she continued singing, as the tears continued to flow.

And that is why God said, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the PEACE of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6,7

When the thoughts want to battle emotions and the emotions want to take control of our thoughts....we have to leave them at the foot of the cross, allowing God's truth to permeate and stand guard. He takes the coin as it is tossed in the air, catches it and says 'It is finished. In Me there is peace. Apart from me there isn't. Remain in Me.'

Emotions aren't bad in and of themselves, nor our thoughts and understanding....but when left alone, outside of Christ's Truth, havoc ensues.

My heart and mind need to be guarded right now, especially as my body is weak and my thoughts play tricks on me.

And so God, once again, in His gentle, perfect and loving way, swooped in and met me right where I was reminding me of His love and sovereignty. Reminding me to come to Him and rest my head. Reminding me that in Him is peace like a river ready to flow over my soul.

This morning, the new light is dawning as He is once again relieving the pain, renewing and restoring.

I don't need to understand....just trust...in trusting Him there is peace.

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

Much love In Christ,

Stacy

End of A Great Football Season

2010-11-19T04:04:00.000-05:00

Yes...I'm still awake as the clock says 3:47....I guess I slept a little too much this evening. My eyes are so heavy right now, as sleep is calling my name once again. We'll see what this means for tomorrow.

I realized as I was laying here that I never shared the end to Seth's football season. They did, in fact, get defeated last weekend to the Pop Warner Buffalo Bills (from Buffalo, NY). You can see by the picture below, we were a bit outnumbered and they were a really good team. Our boys played hard with an ending score of 14 to 6.

We were blessed with the most glorious weather for football that day. They played at a high school outside NYC. All the kids took a motorcoach to the game and my husband and children were able to ride along. It worked out beautifully, as I was driving down from Rochester after spending the early part of the weekend there. We met up at the game and then were able to drive home together. I was so thankful for the time to dose off on the ride home.

Pre-game talk from league official

Seth making a block on offense

Seth, 2nd in from top, near the white line, getting ready for the kick return

Walking off the field at the end of the game. They were so disappointed.

Tuesday night Seth had his closing football banquet where the team and individuals were recognized and honored for their amazing season of teamwork. They did go undefeated throughout the season. They have much to be proud of. I am especially proud of Seth, as it was a touch transition for him. He went from the big fish last year to the little fish this year. It was a season of God getting to some heart issues with my boy.....humbling him, teaching him patience and perseverance, teaching him to always give God the glory and each time he plays to play with all he's got...God will show Himself strong for Seth. And God never disappoints. He showed Himself strong and by the end of the season, Seth was starting on offensive, where before he was the second string.

I love how God doesn't waste a moment to teach our hearts. May we always have hearts to receive and eyes to see Him.

Everyone's already talking about next year. So hard to think that far ahead....but praying that God will have me right back on those sidelines, cheering on my boys. Our youngest son, Jed, informed us that he, too, would like to play football next year. That would be three on the field. Oh....how that will work, only God knows! So, I leave it all with Him.

Off to sleep......

Much love,

Stacy

Sleep

2010-11-19T01:31:00.000-05:00

It is 12:21AM. I just awoke from an evening of falling in and out of sleep as chemo round 7 finished up at 4:30ish this afternoon.

Chemo was much the same....an afternoon of of falling in and out of sleep. I had high hopes of using those 4 hours to accomplish much, but as I sat before my keyboard, my fingers misfiring on the keys, my eyes heavy, all I could do was shut my eyes for awhile. How quickly the body goes from the top of the mountain to a quick plummet down the hill....and you can feel the fall as the drugs begin to wage war and run rampant throughout.

The Benadryl was cut down again this treatment, but I think at this stage, my body is just so tired and even the lower dosage seemed to take its toll. And my body is fighting to keep a steady temperature. On top of the deep fatigue lies hot flashes and cold sweats. The deep aches that accompany Taxol for me begins to make itself known, a glimpse at what lies ahead in the days to come. Let's just say it isn't much fun. And so I succumb to the effect, draw up the covers and settle in allowing chemo to do its thing.

I am helpless against it effects.

But God isn't.

And so my mind goes to Him and to His power that rests upon me. That each day He will renew me. Renew my mind. Renew my body. Renew my spirit.

I am nearing the end. One more treatment to go. And while my mind can't rest upon that for too long for as one treatment ends another round begins shortly thereafter. I am reminded that this is but temporary and God has eternal purposes. He has a plan and that plan is good because He is good. It is that simple.

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.

We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.....

For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many,

may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing,

yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory,while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4 (various verses)

I am thankful that my chemo treatments follow a week of Bible Study and teaching. A time when I am deep in God's Word allowing His Truth to flood through my soul and spirit. My mind. My heart. I think to when Jesus was tested by Satan in the wilderness. He had fasted for 40 days prior to that testing. Many say Jesus was His weakest having gone without food for so long. I say He was His strongest. His body was weak but His Spirit was strong. He had spent 40 days with His God being filled with Spiritual milk and meat. He was being renewed in His inner man. That is where strength lies. In the heart of God. So, I rejoice, that God ordained the timing of my treatments to fall each week when I am strongest so that as the battle ensues in my mind and body.....as I feel pressed on every side, I do not despair. I am not forsaken. If God is for me, than who can be against me?

And so I pray that this Taxol will be used in the hands of God to bring about healing. I pray that God will continue to comfort me in the days to come. I pray that His strength would overcome my weakness. I pray that my mind will recall His Word, to stand strong to fight the battle in His power. Standing on His Truth and love. And through it all, my hope is in Him.

So, I retreat to the place that brings me comfort. His almighty hands and my cozy, comfy bed where I'll spend many hours in the coming days.

Thank you for your prayers today. Keep them coming. God is using you in mighty ways. May you too, feel the power of God resting upon you today.

Chemo 7 behind me! One more to go. :)

Much love to you sweet friends, (thanks for stopping by)

Stacy

Unexpected

2010-11-15T12:51:00.001-05:00

There is something that thrills me about the unexpected....little surprises.

Unexpected packages awaiting in the mailbox. A random hug. A soft word where a harsh one might have been warranted. A sweet note declaring love and encouragement. Flowers showing up at my doorstep. A meal on a day when none was suppose to be delivered. A friend offering a playdate. An unplanned day off of school.

As one who has struggled for many years about "being taken off guard" or placing expectations on those around me, it is refreshing to sometimes receive these little "surprises." Pure pleasure and excitement. Love exuding from the the hands delivering the kindness. A heart filled with joy. And smiles adorning the recipient.

I have been on this receiving line many times in the last 6 1/2 months. Pure joy.

This past week, I was able to give back while God filled my heart simultaneously. Isn't that what giving is all about? Stepping outside of ourselves and giving to others, pouring out love and gratitude, all the while your heart is blessed in the process.

While don't get me wrong, I have loved the unexpected gifts God has bestowed upon me through all of you these last months. This week, I was able to be the giver and do the unexpected.

Let me explain.

I am originally from upstate NY. My dad still has a home in Syracuse and my two precious Aunts and 91 year old grandmother live in Rochester. The rest of my family is scattered around the U.S. With a sister living in California, a brother and sister in Texas and my youngest sister outside NYC. We all don't have the opportunity to see each other often. How I wish we lived closer, as our times to see one another are few and far between.

Last year, my older sister, Heather, started selling CABI clothing (a home based party business). Her business venture brought her to Rochester and Syracuse in the Spring, as relatives hosted shows in their hometowns. Right before my breast cancer journey began, (actually a week after I found the lump in my breast), I was able to travel to Rochester, and be my sister's "model" as she put on a marvelous CABI show at my aunts house, at the senior living complex where my grandmother lives and then with old acquaintances from our childhood as they too, hosted a show. It was five days of pure bliss. Spending time with family. Being a part of my sister's new business and seeing her in action. And just pulling up a chair and nestling into the lives of loved ones. Those five days are pockets of treasures in my heart.

It is also a reminder of the beginning of my breast cancer journey. As Heather and I stood in the guest room at my aunt's house one morning, she putting her make-up on in the mirror, me getting dressed....standing side by side as I shared with her that I had found a lump in my breast. She was in one of the biggest trials of her life, as after 20 years of marriage, her husband was asking for a divorce. The thought of another "major" trial seemed unexpected and unimaginable, but the possibility quite real.

Here we are 6 1/2 months later, walking in that reality.

About a month ago, Heather, called to tell that she was planning her Fall NY state CABI tour/shows. Back to my aunt's she would go. Knowing the treatments I was undergoing, the tired state of my body, she hesitantly asked if there was any possibility I could once again, come along?

My heart was inclined to say, Yes, as that s where I wanted to be. By immediately, my mind knew better as it laid out the reality of my current life. I can't plan tomorrow too well, let alone a month away. We prayed and waited. If God so desired these moments of our lives to be weaved together once again, He'd make the way possible.

No one expected me to come.

And I got to do the surprising!!

On Wednesday, with a body that had rebounded from the previous week's chemo. A schedule that was open. A husband who was supportive and older children that could help to hold down the needs of the home.....I called my Aunt Pam that morning to declare the news and ask if I could arrive Thursday evening and stay the night with her and her husband, surprising my grandma, my sister and my Aunt Kay the next day. (Although, I must admit, in my weakness, I let the cat out of the bag that evening to my sister Heather.)

I'm not usually a spontaneous kind of a girl. People close to me would call me the planner....cancer has certainly caused me to step outside that mold. Whereas I still like a plan, I have learned to be a bit more flexible. I have learned that the best plans I can put together pale in comparison to the plans that God has. Always a training ground....right?!

And so when Bible Study finished up Thursday, off to NY I went for two days of family-time, catching up and soaking in the love and beauty that these ladies bring to my life. And for many of those cheering me along from the sidelines, I was able to stand face to face, arms linked together, gaze into their eyes and say thank you....thank you for holding me up and walking beside me. Thank you for loving me from a distance.....thankful that I could love them for those two days face to face. And that cancer could take a backseat in my mind, while still being profoundly evident on the outside.

And my heart is thankful. Thankful for my sister. Thankful for the deep, Spirit filled conversations that took place in those two days. Thankful for my aunts, who in many ways occupy the place of a mother for me. Thankful for every opportunity and moment that I was able to spend with my 91 year old Grandmother. Thankful.

Saturday night, Heather and I laid in bed praying together. No sweeter time than that. Two hearts joined by blood, but much deeper by the life of the Holy Spirit living inside of us. Praying like we've never had to pray before, for a healing.....that God in His mercy and love would take our lives and the lives of those around us and make all things new.

What abundant blessings are to be found in the unexpected. May you embrace the unexpected in your life today knowing God has big plans!!

Heather, Aunt Kay, Me, Aunt Pam

Me and Heather

Heather, Grandma (Can you believe she is 91??? A True beauty inside and out!), Me

Friday night Cabi show at Aunt Pams

"My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him." Psalm 62:5

Much love,

Stacy

Prayer

2010-11-11T23:13:00.000-05:00

Thank you!

I can't say it enough.

Thank you for your prayers and all of your sweet comments and encouragement. How your prayers carry me. Thank you for praying me through this last treatment and recovery. Oh, the power of prayer.

As I walk this road, boy is God teaching me more and more about prayer. I've always been a prayerer...(is that a word....you know a person who prays). God is so real to me like that. How can you be in a relationship with someone and never talk to them? God so desires to hear from us and speak to our hearts.

And I know He is listening.

He never hangs up.

He never puts me on hold.

He puts up time and time again with my mistakes and coming to His throne, head bent low, shoulders hung over as I whisper...."I'm sorry, Lord."

And in His great and unimaginable love for me, He forgives and loves me just the same.

Really, and truly, these words resonate with my soul..."when your heart is overwhelmed, Lead me to the ROCK that is higher than I."

I'm spending a lot of time at the Rock.

He is higher than all of us. I mean He is seated at the right hand of the Father, High and lifted up. In all His glory.

And to think He cares about me and listens.

It drops me to my knees.

I've always known this. But now, in my days and hours of such great need, He is always there and teaching me in His gentle, kind, loving way about His heart for prayer. And the joy, oh the joy, that I am the recipient of the prayers of many offered up on my behalf.

Thank you for praying for me and my family. Through you, God's will is being accomplished in me. Through you, God is answering my cries. Through you, God is healing. Through you, God is comforting. Through you, God is doing what I cannot even see, think or imagine.

Here is a verse that in the last two weeks, God has used in my daily devotions to speak to my weary heart.

And I must digress for a moment and say, this is the God we serve. I read two different devotionals now (yes, because I really need every morsel of truth I can get!), before I open my Bible and read the pure living word. Near me each day, is the devotional, Streams in The Desert... most days I feel like that desert and I need the stream of living water flowing over me. Second, is My Utmost For His Highest. I never walk away dry from the words penned on those pages. Anyway, as God so intimately knows my heart, my weaknesses and my needs, He never disappoints me. He always has a word for me each time I open these devotionals and each time I open my Bible.

The words recently have focused on prayer.

The power of prayer. The privilege of prayer. The need for prayer. The body of believers praying for each other.

The constant realization that God accomplishes much through prayer.

This verse came up twice in each devotional, within a week's time. Not a mistake.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints

in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:26-27

That even when I don't have the words to express my pain, my trial, my weakness....the Spirit does. And He goes before the Father on my behalf that God's will be done in my life.

And as He searches my heart, He sees the pain and puts a prayer in my heart that comes from God. Giving me just what I need. What will carry me through to the next moment, the next hours, the next day. And that the Holy Spirit expresses to the Father, that which I cannot even speak.

"Oh the burdens we lovingly bear but cannot understand! Oh the inexpressible longings of our hearts for things we cannot comprehend! Yet we know they are an echo from the throne of God, and a whisper from His heart. They are often a groan rather than a song, and a burden rather than a floating feather. But they are a blessed burden, and a groan whose undertone is praise and unspeakable joy. They are 'groans that words cannot express.' We cannot always express them ourselves, and often all we understand is that God is praying in us for something that only He understands and that needs His touch. We can simply pour from the fullness of our hearts the burden of our spirit and the

sorrow that seems to crush us." (Streams in the Desert)

How thankful I am for prayer. That God knew we would need to communicate with Him and that through Jesus Christ, our access to God the Father is made possible.

There are those days following chemo, when all I can ask God is to relieve the pain and discomfort. To bring relief, even if it is brief. I am thankful that when I don't know what to pray, the Spirit goes before the Father for me. He knows.

This last treatment was rough. I am finding with Taxol that it takes 7 days from treatment to feel whole again and without pain. On Tuesday, I began the upswing toward "normalcy." Yesterday, I was just praising God for the new day. For the breath that He has put inside of me and for or another treatment behind me.

And thanking God for each of you.

May we meet each other in the throne room.

Much love,
Stacy

Rest

2010-11-07T09:54:00.006-05:00

There is stillness all around me.

The house is quiet, but my heart is restless and my body is weary.

I am enjoying the quiet, not so much the restless and weary. It is Sunday morning, a day that I look forward to throughout the week. A time to go and worship my Lord and Savior sitting among the body of Christ. Opening God's Word together and allowing the voice of my Jesus to wash over me, teaching my heart while searching to the depths, uncovering the sin that lays there that it may be brought before the Lord in repentance. The newness and cleansing that comes only from Him.

There is no sweeter time.

Feeling the warm embrace of those around me asking me how I am doing. Praying for me. Loving me. Sharing our hearts together as they carry my burdens to the cross, and I theirs.

But today, there is a heaviness that seems to permeate. I don't understand it and yet it is there. And I welcome the silence. A chance to truly be still before the Lord and reflect.

And here I sit at my desk. The sunlight streams through the front windows. My shoulders wrapped in one of the many prayer shawls that have been sent to me, some by those whom I've never met face to face. And I feel the warm embrace of the body of Christ....of Christ Himself. I need to feel His closeness today.

The pains that accompany Taxol are running through my body hitting all my lower extremities. It is like an ache that has settled deep into my bones and muscles. Nothing seems to really take it away. Advil doesn't touch it and so yesterday, I resorted to Percocet, per my oncologist's instruction. Instead of relief, I was in a fog. Hence the restlessness.

I am thankful that the Percocet got me through Seth's football play-off game yesterday morning (and they won...so onto round 2 of Regionals!) My boy scored a touchdown and they went on to win 30 to 0. A proud moment for us all. But as the day progressed, the pain settled deeper. Once again, I retreated to my bed where I spend many a day after chemo. It seems sleep continues to call my name. Each time I awake, I think I will be refreshed, as that is what sleep is suppose to do, but my eyes seem to fall closed again and I drift off.

This morning, I just couldn't get myself together to get out the door to church. The pain in my legs still prevails and my eyes are heavy, my body worn out. Barclay's parents came to town to help this week, which has been such a blessing. Barclay left early as he had church responsibilities this morning, and Jim (Barclay's dad) helped get the kids fed and out the door to church.

Hence the quiet house.

And back to the weary....the longsuffering of this journey. Six months into this cancer journey and the realization that this will be with me the rest of my life. There isn't an earthly finish line to cross. Oh, there are the finish lines of chemo, radiation and surgery.....but I will always have cancer connected to my name.

I was reminded of that on Friday.

Sitting before my plastic surgeon. Thinking that this was one final check on the Betties and then he'd lay out the "plan" of my reconstruction for the months to come. And instead, the talk changed to two moles on my body that he wants removed after chemo. I felt sideswiped by the conversation. The reminder that once again in my little, finite mind, I can't for one moment think I have this cancer thing figured out. Again, my faith was tested.

"Lord, I trust you today as I did yesterday. I will not let Satan grab ahold of my fears."

But the whispers keep coming into my heart. And I keep going to God's Word for Truth this weekend. But my mind was in a fog from the Percocet. I couldn't think clearly.

My doctor assured me, it was nothing to worry about. A quick in and out procedure. A preventative measure for the future.

And the gentle, but real reminder that once cancer enters your pathway, your body will always be scrutinized by the doctors. What before was "nothing to worry about" becomes a possibility that cancer is showing up elsewhere. That no symptoms can be ignored. This is my new reality.

And to be totally honest, I don't like it. I wish it were different. And I feel alone.

So in the stillness that God has given me in these moments, Percocet put aside for today, as I need to hear clearly from God.....I will sit with Him and allow Him to speak to my tired, restless and weary heart His love and promises.

Because when the waves tend to overcome and beat down hard, the only place I can run is to the arms of my God who with a nod of His head, a soft word spoken or an outstretched hand can bring the waves to a standstill replacing the tumult with peace and calm.

"Be still and KNOW that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"Stand in the ways and see, and ask for the old paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; then you will find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:16

I am seeking His rest today.

Much love in Christ,

Stacy

Battleground

2010-11-01T21:59:00.009-04:00

We pulled out of the church parking lot early yesterday afternoon after our monthly Moms in Christ Bible Study. Faith and Jed were cheerfully discussing their morning in Children's Ministry, recalling all the fun they just had. How my heart was warmed listening to their giggles, and Faith's so "adult like recaps."

We were in a bit of a hurry, as I had to get Faith to preschool by (12:30). I haven't shared this yet, but about 2 weeks ago, after the Lord's prompting, my restless heart, and again His abundant and timely financial provision...the door was opened and Faith, with so much excitement, began preschool at a nearby church. She loves it and so do we. It was a perfect fit for a perfect season.

I digress.

My mind settled on the morning and the beauty of women gathering together to study God's Word desiring to grow closer to their Savior. Of the wisdom that was shared as we looked at God's order in the home. And as my mind bounced from one thought to the next, it was quickly interrupted as I heard these words coming from the back seat...

"The Lord will fight for you." Exodus 14:14

"Is that right, mom?"

Am I saying this right?

And as I quickly peered around the seat, there was Jeddy holding up this bookmark from Children's Ministry. In his "just learning to read curiosity" and adorable little voice, with determination at getting the words right and pure pleasure in accomplishment....He needed some validation that he was in fact reading the words correctly.

What he didn't know was in that moment, God was using my little boy to speak directly to my heart.

That those words, were words that have flooded my mind for the last 6 months, turning over what it means in my "fight against breast cancer."

Trying to fully understand God at His word and wrap my mind around this battle that I'm in knowing that I really and truly can't "fight" it. This cancer. It's too big and I'm too little.

At least not fight the way I'm told to by the world.

This battle is not mine. I've said it before.

This cancer has too many tentacles and unknowns. It was my deepest fear for 38 years. CANCER. The 6 letter no one ever wants put together in a sentence where your name is involved.

The disease that as doctors say, "isn't considered curable for 5 years from diagnosis, because it is a disease that can strike later with a vengeance."

And all around are the words, "Fight breast cancer." My goodness, there are even pink boxing gloves made for women fighting this disease. As much as I love pink (and I do, it is my favorite color)....I don't want boxing gloves, nor do I know what to do with them and the 6 letter word.

And so as Jeddy's sweet voice came from the backseat, asking the most childlike question....

"Mom is this right? The Lord will fight for you?" holding up his bookmark....God was answering the question that I have held at the forefront of my prayers.

I grabbed for my Bible on the passenger seat next to me and asked Jeddy to tell me again where that was. I needed to read the context. I needed in that moment to see the words on the pages of the one book that is alive and sharper than any two edged sword because right then and there is was cutting through my joint and marrow, my soul and spirit, just as Hebrews tells us the Bible does. (Hebrews 4:12)

So with my legs steadying the steering wheel and one eye on the road and the other on my Bible, I went to Exodus 14:14 (note to others....do not recommend doing this while driving, but I was not to be contained in that moment.)

And here's the story of Moses leading the Israelites through the Red Sea. I've read the story a thousand times. My eyes have gazed over these verses and these words. But today they held a deeper meaning. Today they came alive to this woman whose body is tired and chemo has just worn out the physical me. To a woman that really doesn't want to fight the way I have the better half of my life. In my strength, my way, pushing to get to the other side. I'm not engaging in this battle this way. I can't. It is too exhausting.

And as Moses has just lead the Israelites out of Egypt, a land of oppression, from a Pharaoh they were enslaved to, to a future that offered no hope in their human eyes.....before them lay the massive Red Sea. Under them the ground was probably shaking as the hooves from the horses and the wheels of the chariots came fiercely across the ground in the distance, quickly approaching. To say they were pressed on every side would be an understatement. Can you imagine the fear that was rising within them. A battle was ensuing, a battle for their lives, their future, their livelihood..

A battle that resounds within me.

But God knew as He could see into their hearts.

And guess what Moses told them to do......Stand Still! The Lord will fight for you!

"Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:13-14

And what did God do, He parted the Red Sea. He delivered them. He brought them to the other side. He fought the battle and He won..His way. Those Israelites, they were ready to go back to Egypt. The battle was too much. The journey too long. The end, not seen. And I imagine, they were tired.

But God says, this battle is mine. Watch me deliver you. Believe I will deliver you. All I ask is that you stand still. Stand firm. Not in human understanding, but in ME.

This same message is throughout God's Word. It is there when the Israelites came up against the Amorites crying out that they were 'greater and taller, the cities were great and fortified.'

They saw their enemy with their eyes and they were scared. And Moses tells them

"Do not be terrified, or afraid of them. The Lord your God, who goes before you,

He will fight for you."Deuteronomy 1:30

And then he gives the most beautiful picture of God as a Father carrying His son, never letting him down or letting him go.

That's what God's battlefield looks like.

That is what God does for each of us. He fights the battle. He takes down the enemy and He is victorious and in the process He desires to show Himself strong & faithful for us...for you and for me.

The battle, the fight needs to be put into the proper perspective.

It isn't about us winning. It is about the glory of God being seen. His character. His faithfulness. His salvation. His deliverance. His love. His grace. His mercy. His magnificence.

And when we put down the weapons of this world and pick up faith in Christ Jesus, there is victory.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God...." 2 Corinthians 10:4,5

And I look at David...as he was going to fight Goliath, Saul tried to adorn him with armor....worldly armor...a coat of mail, a heavy helmet, a sword....and as David tried to walk, he couldn't. It was heavy, cumbersome and ill fitting. David, taking off that armor, told Saul that it hadn't been tested. It hadn't been tried.

David was a boy that sought after the Lord. He knew that the battle was the Lord's. He knew a God that didn't disappoint and that came through strong. God had more to show than a boy defeating a giant. God was to show His strength in the weakness of that boy.

David drew 5 small, smooth stones and placed them in his pouch. And He stood before Goliath. He didn't charge at him. He stood and used the weapons that God had given him....God's almighty power and strength.

We know how the story ends. Goliath went down.

But we see in the end, David's heart on the matter. David's heart toward God.

"That all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. Then all the assembly shall know that the Lord does not save with sword and spear, for the battle is the Lord's and He will give you into our hands." 1 Samuel 17:46,47

That the glory of God may be seen. That all the earth would know there is a God and He delivers.

And God goes on in Ephesians to give us the armor that we need as the battles ensue around us. As war is waged against us and we pass through the valley of the shadow of death.

These are spiritual weapons, because whereas our battles might appear to be physical, they are spiritual. As Satan wants to take us down and in the process take God down.

But God has won. And He tells us to grab hold of the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the sword of the Spirit, the belt of truth, shield of faith and the shoes of the Gospel of peace. Pray in the Spirit, be watchful with perseverance....and STAND in the Lord and the power of His might.

How hard, right? Just to stand still and let God fight for us. We are a world of doing. Of bringing about action and results. But God says to stand still and let the power of the Lord rest upon us. To see what He is going to do. That doesn't mean that you do nothing. It means that you humbly follow hard after Him and let Him direct your steps. Seek His wisdom and understanding, as David did as he drew those stones from the brook.

The battle is the Lord's and we are to Stand firmly in Him. Who we know Him to be and He will show His power through us, strengthening us and fighting the battles for us.

And the victory....the victory is that in this battle I have the peace of God that passes understanding, I have joy, I have love, I have strength and I have power....all of which are God's and are in me as I am in Christ Jesus.

He is my hope. Not the chemo, not the surgery, not the radiation, the doctors, the supplements, the nutrition, the drugs.....my hope is in Christ alone. As I sought Him, He showed me these treatments are part of His plan for me, but ultimately, He will do the healing. All I can do is take care of this body as a servant of the Lord. Care for this temple. He will bring me, as He did with the Israelites, to the other side. I pray for healing, but either way I know that I am alive, whether here on this earth or in the presence of the Lord for all eternity.

Back to those words spoken from the mouth of my 6 year old boy.....

"The Lord will fight for you."

"Mom, is this right?"

You bet, my sweet boy....He will!!

Much love in Christ,

Stacy

P.S. Tomorrow morning, (Wednesday), I go in for chemo treatment number 6. Please pray that my blood counts are good and that my body receives the chemo. Please pray that God continues to fight this battle for me as only He can! Please pray for healing. How I cherish each one of your prayers and am humbled beyond measure that you would love me enough to carry me to God's throne. Please know that as you have shared your requests with me, I keep you as well before the Lord. The road is long, but it is sweetly marked with your friendship and love.

Thank you!

Family Time & FUN!

2010-10-30T09:46:00.005-04:00

Can you guess what we did this week?

We were in need of some "Put the textbooks aside," some "breathe in the glorious fall air" some "let's not think about cancer today and just go and have fun" kinda family time of a day.

And so, off to the Apple Orchard we went. And it was FUN!

FUN watching each child reach in to find the "perfect" apple.

FUN to see the joy on their precious, little faces.

FUN to capture them holding their "prized" pick.

FUN standing back and glimpsing the oldest coming alongside the youngest.

FUN to wrap our arms around each other. Laugh together. Smile together. Be silly together. And say thank you, Lord for this beautiful, crisp, somewhat cloudy, appointment free, apple picking moment in time when we can come together as a family and just have FUN!

(Feeling overly ambitious, I did go home and make an apple pie and this weekend thought I'd tackle some applesauce...never made it before so if anyone has any suggestions or a recipe...let me know!)

On a side note: It had been a hard couple of days. Last Sunday morning, I began to go down hill again after my Thursday chemo. Throughout church my body fought hard but against muscle aches, temperature regulation, and bone pain and when we walked in the door from church....back to bed I went for the day. Monday was better. I was functioning but so run down. Tuesday I had to go into Philadelphia for a Vit. C IV infusion which ending up taking all day and by Wednesday I was finally feeling strengthened again and pain free. Rejoicing that I had a couple of days or normalcy before it all begins again this Wednesday.

I am off now to Luke's final football game of his season. Seth's play-off game was changed to next week, which ended up being such a blessing so we could focus on Luke and his game today. Overall, it is a pretty quiet weekend for us. A welcomed change.

Enjoy each moment of your weekend.

Much love,

Stacy

Intentional

2010-10-27T12:07:00.006-04:00

I sometimes don't know where to begin these days.

I have so much going on inside my head. Swirling. And it is hard to put it all together.

That being said, I'm not so good at multi-tasking anymore.

My husband so gently pointed that out the other day. He was sweet about it. Making only an observation. Not in a critical way, but in a wow, here is another side to cancer kind of way.

As it unfolded.....I was sitting at my desk doing something. I can't remember what. My sweet hubby was at his desk, too.

Luke came in the room to share with excitement, his grade on his Language Arts quiz. He was speaking in general to both me and Barclay, standing in the middle of the room, brimming with happiness. Seth was also in the room telling us something about football. (this was later retold to me, as I don't really remember these specifics myself.)

And as Luke walked out, Barclay looked at me, called my name to get my attention and said, "Did you hear Luke?"

I hadn't. My focus was on something else.

And Barclay said, "You really can't multi-task like you used to, can you?"

Sad, but true. I can't. I can do it a little, but no where near the hands and head in many directions throughout the day kind of wife and mom that once was a mere 6 months ago.

Before chemo, I could hear everything going on in the house. I was in tune to the heartbeat of our home. The screen door squeaking announcing one coming or going, the laundry buzzer telling me the next load was ready for folding and drying, the phone ringing while a child needed help spelling a word all the while I was sweeping the kitchen floor (ok....I'm not much of a sweeper, so that didn't happen as often as was needed!) But you get the idea. I could multi-task.

I can't anymore.

My focus has to be on one thing for me to truly make progress, understand, and respond.

I've heard it called chemo brain. Others call it age. But since I'm only 38 and I say that loosely (only that is :) I think I have to stick with the chemo part. I think I officially have chemo brain. As the chemo runs throughout the body, it slows everything down. The body becomes sluggish. And that is how my brain often feels, sluggish. Almost like it can't process as quickly as before. Can't remember as well.

It has been an adjustment. A learning curve. A lesson in slowing down. In being intentional.

Intentional.

That is a word that has been before my heart for the last couple of weeks.

To actively put your mind on something with a purpose. To stay directed and focused.

Before, I could do this in many areas, at once. Now, it seems, it is one thing at a time. And if I don’t stay intentional, that one thing doesn’t get completely done.

I believe Jesus was intentional as He walked this earth..fully man and fully God. He was so in tune with His Father’s heart and desires. He intentionally found time to pray. He would break away from the multitude, go into the mountains and pray. Even He needed to be with His Father, to hear His voice. To commune.

“And when He had sent the multitudes away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray. Now when evening came, He was alone there.” Matthew 14:23

And He was intentional about who He spent His time with whether it was the sick, the lost, the broken-hearted or His disciples. He knew He needed to teach the disciples and His time with them was guarded. He had a job to do. He didn’t get off track in that job. But in the bigger picture, He came to touch the hearts of the lost. To give them a glimpse into the Kingdom of God. To show them He is the way, the only way way to the Father, to eternal life.

“And Jesus went about all Galilee teaching in their synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all kinds of sickness and all kinds of disease among the people.” Matthew 4:23

His heart was one of compassion and love. An intentional love. He loved intently - everyone. And even when He hung on the cross, was in excruciating pain and suffering, His heart was moved for the thief on the cross who humbled himself before the Lord.

“And Jesus said to him (the thief), ‘Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise.” Luke 23:43

Even in His greatest hour of need, Jesus never lost His purpose or His focus because He was rooted in His Father and His love.

I want to be intentional about the way I live life. That doesn’t mean that I direct the show, on the contrary, that means that I have to be still enough, undistracted enough, quiet enough...putting God first in all things, so as to hear from Him about His intentions for me and my life. My time with Him has to be guarded.

Then His intentions become mine. Not only in the big picture: Marriage, family, ministry....but the little one....laundry, meals, house cleaning, football games, rest, correspondences, blogging etc...

And once again, I see this very nasty thing called cancer as a blessing in my life. Cancer has further rooted me in God's Word, drawn me closer to my Savior....by the power of the Holy Spirit has opened my eyes to stay focused....not on many things at once....but on the one that matters most...God.

And when my focus is fixed on the author of my faith. The very one who defines, created and perfects my faith, then all else is in order because God has set the order and the very heartbeat of my heart.

There is order on the outside....because there is order on the inside, in the innermost place of my heart and soul. In my Spirit.

And this thing called multi-tasking takes on a whole new meaning...being intentional with each task with the love of Christ always before me, within me and surrounding me. With His purpose setting the compass on this journey. As my day is laid out before me and the many things calling for my time and attention, may each happen as God orders my day, directs my focus, and my heart is in tune to His.

“Seek first the kingdom of God.....”

Much love,

Stacy

And they.....

2010-10-24T16:23:00.004-04:00

WON!!!

So proud of Seth and his team! Although they made us parents a little nervous in the beginning of the game. The opposing team scored first. They dug deep, stayed focused and worked as a team to win the league Championship 16 to 8.

That's my boy!

Off to Regionals next weekend.

Much love,

Stacy (proud football momma!)

Round 5 complete

2010-10-23T10:20:00.004-04:00

Chemo #5

Sorry it has taken me two days to update. I have just emerged from bed today! Thanks to each of you for checking in on me following my last chemo treatment. Overall, chemo went smoothly, but truly it wiped me out for a day and a half.

My body took to the Taxol just fine. No reaction. Which I praise God for. That was my prayer going into it. "Lord, if you desire this drug to be used to fight my cancer, then please allow my body to receive it." All went well.

The hardest part honestly, was the Benadryl. Before the chemo gets infused, I have to have about 40 minutes of IV pre-meds. These include Emmend (anti-nausea), an infusion of steriods, and this time, a bag of Benadryl was added to ward off a reaction to the Taxol chemo drug. Now if you have ever taken liquid Benadryl then you know, it makes you a bit sleepy. Well, try getting it put directly into your veins. It is a whole different story. I had all these great intentions on using those 4 hours wisely and frankly, God had a different plan. I truly was to just sit still.

My sweet nurse said I may begin to feel a bit loopy and sleepy after the Benadryl. That was an understatement. Barclay came to sit with me for the first hour or so of the infusion, just in case my body had an adverse reaction. After the Benadryl, I could barely hold a conversation. I was so out of it. I had to force my mind to stay focused on each word. After awhile, I just succumbed to the medicine and had to close my eyes for a bit.

The Taxol went in just fine. Praise God. It was a long afternoon. I didn't get home until after 5:00 and went straight to bed. The evening of my infusions are always the worst. My body fights with all it has to combat the drugs. I was wiped out. Literally.

On Friday, it was much of the same. It was the first time since chemo that I wasn't really able to get out of bed all day. My body was just depleted of energy. Thankfully, a sweet friend again had offered to take Faith and Jed overnight from Thursday to Friday which was a huge blessing. On Friday, school was conducted from my bed, as the older boys would come in with questions. And dinner was so graciously brought in again both nights, helping to alleviate the load.

My oncologist had said that with Taxol, the nausea is lessened, but instead, on day 2 flu-like aches can descend. Well, I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. I have not had any nausea and so far the aches and flu-like symptoms were only yesterday, and were tolerable.

Today, I feel almost back to normal.....the new normal that is.

And I am so thankful for that day and a half of rest. I am thankful once again for the hands that have been outstretched...again and again to our family. I am thankful for God's grace and mercy. I am thankful that today, other than lingering fatigue and reduced stamina, I am out of bed and able to function again. Thank you all for your prayers. Thank you also, for sharing your prayer requests with me. It is my privilege to usher you and your families before God's throne.

This evening, two of our sons have football games back to back. I am thankful to be able to go. Seth's team is playing in the championship. They are undefeated and play for the league title tonight. It is a big night for them. The game is at a high school stadium, under the lights. If they win, they move onto Regionals. We are all really excited. I hope to have pictures to share tomorrow.

And so round 5 is behind us!

Faithy girl keeps asking me, "Mom, when is your hair going to grow back? Are you always going to be bald?"

I sweetly tell her that around Christmas time, my hair should begin to grow back.

Her innocent and child-like reply is, "Wow, mom, that is a long time away!"

Ahh, to be a child again and live in each moment. To her, Christmas is a lifetime away. To me, it is a mere 3 more treatments. Again the reminder that we are to press on in Christ, keeping our eyes on Him and not what lies ahead. To come to Him with a child-like faith....a faith of purity, simplicity, eagerness, trustworthiness, and sincerity. This is what God desires of us. To put aside what we know in our head and follow after Him and love Him with our heart, soul, mind and strength. To respond to Him with unwavering faith. To live in today knowing that He has tomorrow already figured out.

"Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it. And He took them (the children) up in His arms,

laid His hands on them, and blessed them." Mark 10:15,16

What a picture of our Father's love for us. He takes us in His arms, He lays His strong, mighty and gentle hands upon us and He pours out His spiritual blessings.

May you rest today in His abundant love.

Much love,

Stacy

Woo Hoo!

2010-10-20T23:59:00.004-04:00

I had my oncologist appointment earlier today and my hemoglobin level is up to 11.7 and all other blood counts look good for Round 5 of chemo tomorrow!!

Thank you so much for your prayers this week. Yes, I am still really fatigued despite the rise in my red count. Today my eyes just burned and my body was calling for a nap all day. As my oncologist said this morning...."Stacy, we are putting poison in your body. Your body can only fight so hard before it gets tired."

Oh and to think I have 3 more to go after tomorrow.....BUT GOD!

Oh, He is merciful, gracious and loving and has fought this fight and won. He is my strength and my hope. And so I say, woo hoo for my blood counts. Not sure if it was all that wheatgrass (and oh does it turn my stomach right now!) but I will keep plugging away with it as I know it does the body good. Was it all those beans or the mighty hand of God upon my body? I'm giving Him the glory and the credit due His name. He is my sustainer and all else is used by Him to accomplish His purposes.

And so another day dawns and with it another round of chemo. Tomorrow morning I teach through the last 10 verses of Ephesians 2 at our Women's Bible study and then scoot out for the Cancer Center. I'm moving into the Taxol portion of my treatment. With that comes a longer infusion....about 4 hours and the possibility of an allergic reaction to the new drug. May I ask for your prayers for tomorrow that my body would receive the Taxol without a reaction and that it would do the job intended on any lingering cancer cells. Thank you so much for bringing my name before the Lord. I know He hears and answers prayers according to His will.

I have chosen to go alone tomorrow to the Cancer lounge and just "Be still before God." I need that time. It is a big step for me to go alone. I'm not much of a loner. But God continues to teach me that with Him, I am never alone.

How can I pray for you tomorrow as I'm receiving my treatment? Please let me know, as it is an honor and a privilege to in turn, bring you before the Lord.

"But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you. To Him be the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:10,11

Much love,

Stacy

Workmanship

2010-10-19T15:11:00.002-04:00

As I stand before the mirror each day, the reflection gazing back at me is one that has become all too familiar.

One I never imagined would be set before my eyes.

I had once imagined a reflection of silvery, gray hair adorning my head, deep set laugh lines (ok wrinkles) accenting my face, hopeful to one day see a body that had gracefully weathered time. A body over time reflecting age and not disease.

What I see with my eyes, the reflection that is cast back to me is one of disease. Of scars still bearing the redness as they heal. Scars across my chest and under my arms from drainage tubes and incisions, sutures as the disease was removed and my body closed back up. A bump that lies just under my skin where my left bra strap crosses my shoulder. My port. The access point of my veins for the drugs that for 8 weeks push through my body. And the disfigurement laying across my chest. That which God gave woman is now gone in its natural state. What shouldn't be foreign is.

A body that over the past 6 months has shed almost 10 pounds, pounds that 6 months ago I was wishing away, now wishing back on. Pounds not shed through diet and exercise. Pounds shed as my body fights a waging battle against this disease. The body staring back at me is thinner, wearing the battle scars from the fight.

And then my gaze is cast to my head where cancer has left its heavy imprint. The effects of chemo as the hair is now gone leaving behind a stark white scalp edging the remnants of a tanned face from the summer. Eyelashes and eyebrows still remain, but in the coming weeks, those too, may disappear as new drugs flow through my veins.

And Satan again stands as a shadow in the background of these images trying to define me. Trying to take this physical body, my flesh, and say that he is the workman. This is what disease has done to me. I am now half a woman. And my body cries cancer.

But I won't let him. As hard as Satan tries to take me down and daily bring before my eyes and those around me, the physical scars and effects of cancer. He won't have me. He won't ever define. He can mar my outside and tear down my physical condition.

But He can't have me nor can He touch the new creation I am through Jesus Christ.

I am HIS. And in me, He is creating a masterpiece. As He is with you.

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

Satan can touch the outside to His hearts content. But He can't touch who I am in Jesus Christ. I am sealed with the Holy Spirit, the moment I gave my life over to Christ. The moment I said yes to Him and No to this world. The moment I put my trust in Him alone. I am His and He is taking the life that He created, disease and all, and creating a masterpiece for His glory. As He is the master designer. He is my workman.

A friend of mine gave me a mug early on in my diagnosis that read this inscription:

Caner is so limited.....

It cannot cripple love

It cannot shatter hope

It cannot corrode faith

It cannot destroy peace

It cannot kill friendship

It cannot suppress memories

It cannot silence courage

It cannot invade the soul

It cannot steal eternal life

It cannot conquer the Spirit

As my eyes are, and maybe yours too, are drawn to the outward manifestation of this disease. As my body bears the marks on the outside, my soul and my Spirit cannot be touched by the hand of this disease. They can only be touched by the Hand of God. And as my outside may look marred, my inside is being renewed, refined, and polished for Him. May you see Him and His handiwork and not this disease.

As I taught last Thursday morning for the ladies at our women's Bible Study, this was the message God put on my heart to share as we worked through Ephesians 2:1-10.

It was a message I needed to hear over and over again that week as I prepared to teach.

Paul reminds us in Ephesians 2 that before Christ was invited into our hearts and lives, we were dead in our sins and trespasses. False steps, missing the mark, falling beside the way, violations against God Himself....We were spiritually lost and spiritually dead and meandering along the path of the world. No direction, constantly trying to fill the empty space felt deep in our soul with the things of this world....money, food, materialistic goods, love, fame, power, titles, and more. And without God we are in a desperate state.

Two small words change the whole picture.

But God.....

"But God who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved, and raised us up together, and made us sit in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come he might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His lovingkindness toward us in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:4-7

But God who abounds in mercy because He loves us, even when we lived apart from Him. Even when we put up the barriers and shut Him out. He loves us and desires to give us life through His son, Jesus Christ.

Romans 5:8

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

And through His love: He gave us new life, a new position in Christ, and a new home...a dwelling place with the Lord. The pathway for a relationship with Jesus Christ.

To show us the riches of His grace. He reaches out to save us. Undeserved.

All you have to do is receive Him. Receive His grace. Call on His name and be saved.

And it is by His grace that we have been saved. Not by our works. Not by going to church. Not through our parents. Not by trying to be a good person. Not by giving money to others...all this is good. But it won't give you salvation.

Salvation is a gift from God...through faith....through believing in Him.

And we, are His workmanship. The work of His hands. And our lives are His as He masterfully puts each piece into place creating in us the most beautiful tapestry. The most beautiful landscape. The most beautiful masterpiece.

This cancer. It is one puzzle piece in a puzzle that has yet to be completely put together. What you are going through today.....your pain or hardship....it is one puzzle piece and it will fit skillfully into the next piece and the next and the next...and when you breathe your last breathe and as a believer in Jesus Christ, when He ushers you to your eternal home....the landscape of your life will be life a magnificent sunset setting across the horizon. And on that day, it will all make sense...the pain, the trials, the disease. The day we stand face to face with the designer, our God and Father, Jesus Christ.

But God....He defines me. May this life be all about Him. May these scars be for His glory. May He create His masterpiece through the few fishes and loaves that I have.

Much love,

Stacy

Blessings

2010-10-16T21:53:00.007-04:00

Oh what a beautiful week it has been.

How I so love the life that God has blessed me with. Wishing that breast cancer didn't need to be a part of my life, but thankful for how cancer has opened my eyes to so many blessings staring me in the face each day. Blessings that I took for granted. Blessings from the hand of God.

As I was picking up the house yet again this evening, I was so tired (I know I'm a broken record on that one!), as there was a big pile of laundry calling my name from the laundry room, dishes were in the sink, homeschooling books still on the kitchen table, the counters had gathered odds and ends from the week still waiting to be returned to their rightful place, and the mudroom floor was littered with shoes from a girlie size 10 to a teenage size 11. The house was abuzz with noise from upstairs as the older boys were laughing and carrying on about their day tomorrow.

As I emptied the laundry basket upstairs, adding it to the pile already accumulated downstairs, I walked by my husband who was so graciously helping me get to the bottom of the dishes in the kitchen sink. In that moment, I told him, that I so wanted the house to be quiet and the piles all gone, that my body was tired and the day had been long, but I know that in too short a time, that will become our everyday. There won't be piles of laundry, shoes scattered, crumbs speckling the floor, laughter gracing our halls or feet running through the kitchen. They will be grown and acting more adult-like, forging paths of their own outside these four walls. I'm not ready for those days. These days go by too quickly as it is. And it is in those moments that my mind reminds me of my cancer and my fragility. And that none of us know what the future holds. That each moment should be mine to cherish.

By the hand of God, we have been blessed with 6 beautiful children. They are not ours. They are His. I know that deeply as God called Joshua home way before I was ready to let him go. They are on loan to us. God has asked us, no He commands us, to love them, to train them, to instruct them in righteousness, to teach them about God, to discipline them, to make disciples for Him. That is what God asks of me and that is what God asks of you. Our time to do all this and more, is so short. I don't want to miss a minute.

None of us know the number of our days. Cancer reminds me of that daily. That life is as James said, a vapor, a moment in time. How I want to make those moments count. The time God gives me to be a wife, a mother, a friend. I pray that it is long. I pray that He allows me to see my children graduate, be wed to the spouse He has chosen for them, to be a grandma, to hopefully see them walk in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and serve Him with the gifts He's given them. It fills me with joy just thinking about it. But I don't know. And so I take each day, as crazy as they are around here, and I invest in their sweet hearts and while I'm doing it...pick up the messes along the way thanking God for the time He has given me and the abundant blessings.

The week has been busy. I had my follow up appointment on Wednesday with my integrative doctor (Dr. Bazzan). He had run a whole slew of bloodwork, testing heavy metals, doing an estrogen panel and then a ton of other blood work. We went over all the results and he was very pleased with my results. He made a couple of changes to my supplements in light of the results, but was very optimistic about how my overall body was handling the stress of chemo and how it was fighting the cancer.

I had a Vitamin C infusion that day, as well. I must say, as I have walked this road marrying conventional medicine with alternative medicine, there is a lot of wisdom in both camps and if medicine would only see the merit in bringing them together easily for everyone, I think disease overall would look quite different. So much starts with diet, nutrition and exercise. You can't put kerosene in a car and then think it will go very long or very far. Why we think we can do that with our bodies, I'm not sure. Anyway, I thank God for how He has lead me along this path.

Overall, it has been a wonderful, non-chemo week. The boys continue with their football and racing season. Seth's team is undefeated and have their first play-off game tomorrow. Barclay is taking Luke and Ben to their 2nd to last dirtbike race. Seth is bummed to be missing that race, as it is his favorite track, but knows that he made a commitment to his football team and that is where he'll be. And I'll be standing on the sidelines, cheering him on!

May you too, be enveloped in the many blessings given by the hand of God. May we all have eyes to see them, not needing a disease or a hardship to open our eyes, but just a heart filled with thanks and gratitude toward God for all things. God is good, always.

"By the God of your father who will help you, And by the Almighty who will bless you with blessings of heaven above...." Genesis 49:25

Much love,

Stacy

One step closer

2010-10-11T19:24:00.008-04:00

I sometimes wish there were more hours in the day.....but these days those hours might be spent sleeping.

That's where I've been the last couple of days. Going to bed early and rising later than I should share. So not like me, but coming to terms with the new and hopefully temporary "me."

Treatment on Wednesday went well. Well, as good as chemo can go. Surely not my favorite place to be, but God uses that time to open my eyes to so much pain and suffering around us. To fill me with compassion unlike I've known before. To see those chairs filled week after week causes my heart to ache for each person God puts before my eyes. I've had the privilege to hear from some of their hearts as our paths cross in the chemo lounge (as I call it.) It is my privilege to usher their name up unto the Lord, or sometimes just their description.....as God knows their names intimately. Their faces are forever etched upon my heart and mind.

My sweet friend and ministry right hand, Adrianne, came to treatment with me, as Barclay was only able to stay for a bit. There was a slight bump in the road as we waited for my blood work to come back. Each treatment is contingent on good blood counts, as chemo goes to work not only on the bad cells, but also the good. My hemoglobin came back low. I am running around a 10 and normal is 12-16. That would explain my overall fatigue. I have found recently that even after sleeping a full night, I wake up tired.

They were still able to give me my treatment, but now will be watching my blood counts weekly versus every 2 weeks. As of now, my oncologist isn't doing anything to help elevate the levels. I see Dr. Bazzan (Integrative MD) on Wednesday and will talk more with him about what I can do to help bring the numbers up. Ultimately, I know that God can raise these levels, so can I ask you to pray that God raises them as only He can?

The post-treatment days went according to the previous weeks. Wednesday night I was met with extreme fatigue and nausea. I crawled into bed around 7Pm that night. Thursday, I felt a bit run down, but able to function throughout the day. Precious friends offered to help with the children that day. After Thursday morning Bible Study, the older boys went for a playdate and Faith and Jed went for an overnight with other friends. They were all thrilled to have the afternoon off from school. I headed back to the Cancer Center for my Neulasta shot and then home to find this waiting for me.

Dinner had been brought in and was tucked away in our fridge with the overflow welcoming me on our kitchen island. This huge mum and pumpkin the topping on the cake. To say that we have been showered upon by the love of many is an understatement. My heart cannot encompass the generosity, love, and true beauty that we have experienced through friends and the body of Christ. We have been the recipients of God's love in action. Thank you seems inadequate but all that I have right now. I can't wait to shower His love back on each of you in the years to come.

And then set beside this bounty was yet another token of God's provision and His hands this side of heaven...While driving home from the Cancer Center, I had called a friend to ask her how to cook beans. With low hemoglobin, beans are a good source of iron, especially since I have limited my intake of red meat. Her beans rock! After asking her what I needed, she offered to make me a batch of black-eyed peas. Well, she sure was speedy and had not only made the beans, but had run them to my house, sitting them in the midst of the bounty and greeting me upon arrival. And yes, they were yummy. Still eating them over brown rice.

The fatigue really hits me by late in the afternoon. I made my way to bed early on Thursday, slept until 8:30 Friday morning. Friday was the hardest. As my body fights against the chemo, it is like fighting a nasty flu. My body has trouble regulating its temperature, my eyes feel hot, my muscles ache and a general run-down feeling sets in deeply. All of this, on top of nausea that lays as an undertone upon the body. I laid low all day Friday.

And then Saturday, and new day dawned. We were off to football, once again. The body pushes through the drugs, and the light begins to show through the clouds. Energy comes in small bursts and life begins to feel manageable again. A sigh and thankful heart that another round is behind me. One step closer.

My body is tired, but my heart faints not, for the God of the universe is sustaining me daily. He continually meets me in my weakness and shows me His greatness. He reminds me that I am "kept by the power of God through faith." (1 Peter 1:5) He is holding me so tightly in His grip. There is no other place I'd rather be.

Back in August, God spoke this verse to my heart in my quiet time. He has brought it before me again, a reminder of His sustaining power....

"The Lord will preserve him and keep him alive, And he will be blessed on the earth; You will not deliver him to the will of his enemies. The Lord will strengthen him on his bed of illness; You will sustain him on his sickbed." Psalm 41:2,3

Much love,

Stacy

Halfway mark

2010-10-05T23:16:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow I sit in the chemo chair once again.

I'll receive my 4th and last push from the "red devil" Adriamyacin and then the last drip of Cytoxin.

Hard to believe I will be half way there...that is, to the chemo finish line.

A couple years ago, I started running to add some variation to my morning workout routine. It had gotten a little mundane. For months, my feet hit the pavement of our neighborhood, but soon, that too, became uninspiring. I needed a challenge. Something to work towards.

A friend suggested I pick a local 5K and begin training in preparation. If you know me, you know that I love competition. I love the thrill of competing, I love pushing myself and of course, winning is nice too. And so I set out with a race on the calendar and a training schedule before me.

I remember standing at the starting line amidst a sea of what seemed like serious racers. I mean most of them looked the part, that is of a real racer and a real runner. And I remember looking at their feet. Looking at the running shoes adorning their feet and thinking of the miles that those shoes had run. The terrain they had mastered. The finely crafted shoe made to cushion the foot and protect it from the constant pounding as the weight of the body made contact with the hard surface underneath.

Then my gaze fell to my own two feet.

To the running shoes that had covered many miles and while not always cushioning my feet well, they had carried my legs. But I felt instantly inadequate. Thinking I can't do this. How did I ever believe I was a runner and that I would make it through a race. I don't even have real running shoes.......who am I?

Within in seconds, the horn sounded and the race was underway. No longer could I think about my inadequacy, my insufficiency, my weakness.....I had to run and run I did. And as I ran, I remember the markers along the way signaling my distance covered. The finish line was yet in sight, but there were milestones, beckoning me onward. Filling me with endurance. Giving me a reason to put the next foot in front of the other. I was tired and my legs began to feel heavy. But I remember rounding the last corner and seeing before me the marker saying, "you're hitting the end, only 1/4 mile left."

I dug deep.

I set my eyes on that finish line.

And as I hit the last long stretch, I heard the cheers and encouragement ring through my ears from the sidelines where my husband and children stood. Pushing me forward. Strengthening me and encouraging me.

It was what I needed and my run turned into a sprint.

As my feet crossed over the finish line, what was an all out sprint became a steady walk.

Walking it out....the tired legs, the sore thighs, the burning calves. The fast breathing slowed down to deep breaths, as the sweat rolled down my forehead.

The race was done. I made it. And instead of feeling depleted, I was energized.

It was worth it.

And so tomorrow, I am rounding that corner of treatment. I don't yet see the finish line and I'm not suppose to.

And yes, I am tired.

But I see the half way marker and I'm asking God to give me the strength to keep running to that finish line.

There are days I still don't believe this really is my race. I feel inadequate. I feel weak. I feel insufficient. And you know what, I am all these things.

But He isn't.

And so I run this race, not alone. I run surrounded by you all cheering me on. And I run in the strength and joy of the Lord. I run one step, one day, one race. Standing fast in Him as He has equipped me and He sustains me. It is only on the battlefield that we are trained. And truly this is a battle. A race. My training ground.

Please pray for me tomorrow. Please pray against the nausea, against the fatigue and that this last dose will do its job. Please pray for endurance as I have four more to go and next time, the chemo drug changes.

I'm rounding the corner, running, knowing with each step, I am one foot closer to the finish line. It is worth it.

"Therefore, we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,

let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us,

and let us run,

with endurance the race that is set before us,

looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith."

Hebrews 12:1,2a

With love and gratitude,

Stacy

Good for me to be afflicted

2010-10-02T09:06:00.005-04:00

"It was good for me to be afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes.

The law of Your mouth is better to me than thousands of coins of gold and silver.

Your hands have made me and fashioned me;

Give me understanding, that I may learn Your commandments.

Those who fear you will be glad when they see me, because I have hoped in Your word.

I know O Lord, that Your judgments are right,

and that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.

Let, I pray, Your merciful kindness be for my comfort,

according to Your Word to Your servant."Psalm 119:71-76

This is what God spoke to my heart yesterday as I sat with Him in the morning. Hard words to hear, huh?

"Good to be afflicted."

But really, not so hard when they come from the one who made me and fashioned me. He knew I needed to hear these words and these words ministered to my heart. I know Him and His love for me abounds and is everlasting. He has only the best in mind for me and will work this cancer out for His good....that I pray each day.

Afflicted.....

-to distress with mental or bodily pain (yes, I understand this word to its core)

-to trouble greatly or grievously

-and the object of affliction....to humble

It is the last part that sits with me and brings the verse into its complete meaning...."that I may learn your statutes."

See, God didn't just say, "Yeah...it is good for you to be in pain and greatly distressed."

There is a much bigger picture. A picture that is rooted in eternal perspective and pursuit.

He says, "it is good for you to be humbled..... and if that means you need to experience some pain and discomfort so that you may learn to receive My truths and allow them to sink into your soul, then the affliction is good. I want you to learn about Me. I want you to see Me. I am faithful. I am merciful. I have an intended purpose. Trust Me.

And again, God brought me right back into His arms reminding me that this cancer is to teach me. This cancer is to grow me. This cancer is for my good. Can I receive that?

I can because His word is Truth and that means He is Truth.

And yesterday.....He showed me His faithfulness again and again. "Trust Me Stacy. I've got you covered."

Let me explain.

Back in June, our neck of the woods got hit quite badly with hurricane force winds, hail and rain. We were in Florida at the time, but came home to a bit of a mess. Power had been out for about three days and we had to empty out 2 fridges and our deep freeze. Dumpsters were brought into the neighborhood for the cleanup efforts and damage was widespread. Several of the houses along our side of the road were hit badly with hail damage to their roofs. We called our insurance company, having never used our home owners insurance, this was a bit new to us and we didn't know what to expect. Well, yesterday morning, the roofer came with our insurance adjuster and we found out that a new roof was in order due to the damage and our food loss was covered.

These things just don't typically happen. Our house was in need of a new roof soon. It was something we knew was in our financial future. God took care of the need in a way we never imagined. I praise Him for His provision.

I went on to my last filling of the Betties yesterday and as I traveled the 30 minutes to that appointment, God ministered this song to my heart. I spent that time just praising God for who He is and for His grace along this journey. This song came up on my ipod and I listened to it over and over again. "Lord, use me however you desire. I will walk this valley, Lord, to be closer to You."

My appointment went well. Yeah.....last filling!! Now I can settle into my new size at least for the next 6 months. :) At my appointment, I learned that there may be another avenue God may use for me to share His testimony of my breast cancer journey. Time will tell. I'll share more if it becomes a reality, but I'm excited of the possibility.

And then I came home, went to the mailbox and laying inside was an envelope filled with another generous, totally unexpected, financial gift. The emotion of the morning was more than I could bear and tears just began to fall as I marveled at God. At His provision. At His timing. At His faithfulness made evident to me in such tangible ways. I am humbled beyond measure. I had just finished another week with medical bills over $300. God provided for these needs, and more.... once again in His perfect way.

I go back to a verse in Jeremiah that often God recalls to my heart....."Call to me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know." 33:3 and Ephesians 3:20,21 "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above ALL that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

To Him be the glory......

.....and so this affliction. I receive it, because He is good. My eyes rest on Him alone, not the pain, not the discomfort....but God, alone. And I pray that as I walk this road, I learn all that He desires to teach me in my affliction.

I pray in your own journey, in your affliction, you, too, will see the hand and heart of God and humbly say, It is good, because He is good.

On a side note.....we are in the car right now having just got off the Winchester, Va exit of 81. Heading back to our hometown for our 20 year high school reunion today and tonight. Being high school sweethearts, it is fun to share this history with my beloved. So this afternoon we head to a high school football game and then out tonight meeting up with all of our high school classmates. It has been a long time. Not exactly the way I thought I would be going to my high school reunion....breast cancer surrounding me.....but thankful this is an off chemo week and I am back to feeling "normal." Can't wait to see everyone!

Wishing you all a blessed and beautiful weekend.

Much love,

Stacy

In Quietness and Confidence is my strength

2010-09-29T21:16:00.004-04:00

Chemo has this way about it. It is sneaky. It plays with your mind and your body and ultimately wreaks havoc producing nausea and fatigue. It wants to bring you down and your body has to fight with all its might to regain and reestablish a stable state. And it tries to weaken you to the point of breaking. But it doesn't happen all at once.....that's how it is sneaky. As the chemo gets pumped through your veins, you don't feel a thing. But as the afternoon turns into evening, extreme tiredness takes up residence in your body that seems to linger for a couple of days. A friend this weekend referred to Adriamyacin as the "red devil." I think that name is pretty accurate on all fronts.

I had my third chemo treatment last Thursday. My oncologist had told me that the longer you get chemo, as it accumulates in my body, the more effect it will have and the more tired I will become.

I am tired.

This last treatment was the hardest. It tricked me this time, though. I left the Cancer Center on Thursday afternoon feeling just fine. My in-laws were in town for the week and I had extra hands on deck each day. It was a dream! I felt full of energy from a week of extra help. As the evening ensued, so did the fatigue and by about 7:30 or so, off to bed I went. I awoke Friday morning feeling rested and was off an running. Nausea was an undertone throughout the day, but I have grown accustomed to that after my treatments. Overall, I was surprised at how good I felt on Friday. Saturday morning, I went in early for my Neulasta shot (it helps my blood rebuild for the next treatment) and then onto the football field for Seth's game that morning. As friends asked how I was doing, I joyfully said, "great!" and truly, I was feeling good and so glad to be at the field. And that's how this chemo thing works....one minute you feel great and the next you feel cut off at the knees. I thought I would sail through treatment number 3 and be on my way.....but by later that afternoon, my body was slowly shutting down and crying out for rest. I crawled into bed late Saturday afternoon, as we had dinner plans that evening with friends. I slept for a few hours, but just didn't bounce back as I expected.

Sunday came quickly and was filled with more children's activities. And as Monday approached, I still didn't feel 100 percent. I was frustrated, tired and struggling on many fronts.

You see, as the fatigue begins to take over my body after these treatments, it becomes so hard to get out of bed in the morning. I now have to retire earlier than usual in the evening, as well. I set my alarm for 5:00 AM each night and just can't seem to get up. I actually turn my alarm off in my sleep and I don't even have the alarm clock set next to my bed. It is on the floor toward the end of my bed. Crazy, I know. This has plagued me since college. It has become a joke actually. Barclay just laughs when he sees me setting it.

But, oh how I need to get up early before the children. That time is precious. It is the time when I get recharged, refreshed and filled so that I can make it through the day. It is the time that is reserved for me and God.

Well, chemo has snuck in and tried to rob that from me and I've let it these last couple of days.

How I long for the lazy summer mornings on the front porch. How I need that time.

And what resulted was the perfect storm. My body was weakened, my mind distracted, and my soul was dry and thirsty. And I struggled. I was depleted on all sides, but being pushed on all sides.

That is where I have been these last couple of days......in the desert waging war against the drugs that are suppose to fight this cancer but are bringing me down.

It isn't a good place. And all I wanted to do was run and hide. Seek shelter.

This morning that is what I did.

I cried out to my Jesus. He got me out of bed before the children awoke and I sat at my desk with my Bible open and began pouring out my heart in prayer.

As the tears streamed down my face, God clearly began speaking to my heart. As God knows my heart intimately, I mean let's face it, He created it.....He sees the cobwebs of sin and pride...He sees what man cannot. He began to bring to my mind a verse in the midst of my prayers. He began speaking to me....

"in returning and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and confidence shall by your strength."

Now, I've got to tell you. God has spoken to me many times and many times very clearly, but never quite like this. These words kept flooding my heart as I kept on praying, so much so that I stopped praying, opened my computer to Blue Letter Bible to find where this verse was in the Bible.

Isaiah 30:15

Guess what the next verse says....."But you would not."

My heart stopped.

It all goes back to a choice.

You see on Tuesday morning, as I was so distraught, distracted, agitated, tired and just plain worn out.....I tried to sit with the Lord, but the children had woken up, the day was beginning and children were already calling for me from the four corners of the house needing help with schoolwork. And Jed sat at the table ready for his 1st grade lessons. As I walked out of the office, Barclay said to me, "No Stacy, you need to be with the Lord."

I chose to do Jed's lessons.

And that's how it happens. We choose to put something before the Lord. I put my fatigue, I put my day and all my responsibilities and everything became too big. And that's when the tiredness sets deeply in. And as the chemo is sneaky and takes me by surprise, as Satan so craftily works, so do my choices. Nothing can come before God. If I am not setting time to sit before the Lord, I am empty, I am operating in my own strength and rest is not to be received, no matter how much I sleep or how hard I try.

In returning (repentance) and rest (resting in the Lord) you shall be saved. In quietness and confidence (utter trust) shall be your strength.

And as my eyes continued to read through the rest of the chapter, to my amazement I began reading one of the exact verses God had spoken to my heart 8 years ago after our son Joshua went home to be with the Lord. At a time that I was crying out to the Lord once again.

He is so faithful. He so intimately meets us if we would just call out to Him. Come and be fed by His Word. He restores. He refreshes. He is patient. He is gracious. He makes the path straight.

"Therefore, the LORD will wait, that He may be gracious to you;

And therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you.

For the LORD is a God of justice;

Blessed are all those who wait for Him.

For the people shall dwell in Zion at Jerusalem;

You shall weep no more.

He will be very gracious to you at the sound of your cry;

When He hears it, He will answer you.

And though the Lord gives you

The bread of adversity and the water of affliction,

Yet your teachers will not be moved into a corner anymore,

But your eyes shall see your teachers.

Your ears shall hear a word behind you saying,

This is the way, walk in it." Isaiah 30:18-21

He is the way. The only way.

And through this maze of cancer, chemo and treatments, and all else that comes along my path, He will tell me the way to go, if I would just seek Him and spend time with Him.

With God's strength, this chemo will not take me down. It may weaken me. It may set in and cause my body to fight like it has never fought before, but it won't have me. And I pray that even though it is a poison to my body, it will be a healer of any remnant cancer cells floating through my body. And that what Satan desires for evil.....God desires for good. That in this chemo journey, in this fight, I would run even harder into the arms of my heavenly Father and see Him face to face. Know Him more deeply than I have ever known Him before.

And so today is a new day. My body is still tired, but my spirit is refreshed and refueled. God says "man cannot live on bread alone, but every word that proceeds from the mouth of God." This is what Jesus said to Satan as He was temped in the desert. He hadn't eaten in 40 days. I'm sure He was quite tired and His body was weak. But I also believe He was strong. He had just been baptized and filled with the Holy Spirit. He was strong as He had spent time with His Father. In quietness and confidence was His strength. He trusted in His Father. Bread will fuel our body, but not our spirit or soul. We need God's Word. I need His Word each day.

...........and in quietness and confidence is my strength.

Much love,

Stacy

All I can say is thank you....

2010-09-27T22:07:00.002-04:00

Thank you for the outpouring of love upon our family these past 4 months in so many ways.

Thank you for giving so generously, supporting my sister as she ran her heart out for breast cancer, as she crossed that finish line for me this weekend. You've helped alleviate some of our financial burden of co-pays, deductibles, and hospital expenses. And to the anonymous sister in Christ who sent a financial gift to our home, if you are reading....I have no words, only tears of gratitude, a heart filled to overflowing with thanksgiving. As Jesus said, "inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me." Thank you.

Thank you for your daily prayers and words of encouragement. You truly are God's hands and feet to us right now and we are eternally grateful.

Thank you for checking in on me, emailing me and just sending your love. I've said it before and I say it again, "my heart is full."

Thank you for letting me be me. Somedays, I'm not sure who me is...so much is new and yet so much is the same.

Thank you for holding my hand as there are many days on this journey that my hand needs a tight squeeze.

Thank you for your love and support.

I pray you know how much you are loved right back. You are each a gift, a treasure, a token of God's grace.

All I can say is "thank you" from the bottom of my heart.

Much love,

Stacy

a note from stacy's sister

2010-09-24T18:26:00.006-04:00

greetings everyone! writing to you today is stacy's sister, tasha. i've hijacked her blog for a post to share something exciting.

first, i will tell you that stacy is doing well. she sat in the chemo chair again this week and is responding better than she has in past weeks. she is feeling tired, but has more energy than she has with prior treatments. every little bit counts, right? praise God for this!

now, on to my announcement- this saturday i am running in a 10k to raise funds for stacy. you can follow my story (if you so choose) by tuning in to www.diaryofasuburbanmomma.blogspot.com. i will be running at 9:00am (pacific time) and would love it if you would join me by praying for me as i run. i'm not a runner by nature, so i'm going to need God's strength to carry my little legs to the finish.

you can also support this run (and directly support stacy) by donating to "the betties" fundraising efforts. one hundred percent of the money raised goes to stacy- it will help pay for the co-pays and deductibles and the like.

thank you, in advance, for your prayers and support. and thank you also for the encouragement that you blog readers have shared with her.

in Him-
tasha